uh oh

I recently went through a serious audiobook stage, during which I borrowed "Teacher Man" by Frank McCourt from the local library. An autobiography read by the author (preferably with a thick accent to add some zest) is a treat bc it's like they're telling you their life story one-on-one. I enjoyed it during my to-ing and fro-ing but when the time came to return it...dun dun dun...I realized it was missing a cd. Just one. Out of eight. Gulp. I looked everywhere with no success, and figured I must have put it in another cd case that I had already returned to the library. So I did what any fabulous person would do in this situation: acted natural about it. I just took it back to the library. If they had the cd, then great, and if they didn't, they'd let me know.

Oh, they've let me know. Go ahead and guess the replacement cost.

No, really. Go ahead and guess. It is one cd, though I understand that they'd have to get an entire new audiobook, currently available on amazon for $32.

Do you have your guess?

Is it more or less than NINETY-TWO DOLLARS?

Sigh.

So what's my move? Make a phone call during which I use my angry lawyer voice? Recycle two thousand plastic bottles and/or organize a Fight Gurrbonzo's Moronic Ways 5k to round up the $92 to just pay it and then mutter bitterly whenever I think of Mr. McCourt from this day forward? Order a new copy myself and then pretend the NEW disc 4 is the disc 4 that I lost? WHAT TO DO?

because I am erratically irresponsible

Generally, I'm pretty on top of things. I'm a list-maker. I multitask. I'm a good student. I clean up. I budget. You know the story. With most things, I do what I say I'll do and what I'm supposed to do and feel bad if I don't.

However.

Sometimes, I just don't.

I pick really dumb things to flake out on. For example, I recently lost a library book. Straight up lost it. Who does that? Am I eleven? I brought it with me to Miami and it disappeared and now I have to pay for it. Whatever.

I also meant to get a parking pass this year but it just never happened. It's free. I applied online, but there was a problem of some sort and I never called to figure out what it was. Give me a break! I'm always in a hurry, and I never go "across the street" to regular campus on principle. So, it just didn't happen and I have only myself to blame. I drive to school 2-3 times a week, park in the graduate student lot, get the occasional parking ticket and just grumble and pay it and think about how I should get my damn pass but I just haven't. In March, I thought about it and realized hey, it's March, why get it now? Just get school over with.

No big deal right?

And I would have gotten away with it, too...

I signed for a CERTIFIED LETTER today at the post office and to my delight/embarrassment/amazement, I am "permanently prohibited from driving and/or parking any motor vehicle on campus at any time."

Wait, let's back up.

This is awesome.

They bothered to send a CERTIFIED LETTER? And the ban is PERMANENT? As in, forever? And I love that it's not just parking, it's even driving. Like campus is surrounded by an electric fence and if I try to drive a car (not just MY car, mind you, ANY CAR) on campus it will zap me and the meter maids will yell "YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE!" This "certified letter" says if they find my car on campus it will get impounded and I'll get a $300 citation AND they forward my traffic records to the honor code office.

Seriously? This letter is killing me. Why are you so uptight about this when THE PARKING PASSES ARE FREE? What's the point of enforcing this with such ridiculous language? Look me up. I'm a student. I can park there. Everyone relax.

Also, I hate the word "permanent" almost as much as I hate the word "mandatory." Sometimes in law school they think if they add the word "mandatory" to something, it's like a weapon of intimidation. Nothing's ever really mandatory, and nothing's ever permanent. Quit pretending you're the sheriff of the world.

I also love that it says this "PERMANENT BAN" includes (this is a direct quote): "Weekends, Holidays, Sunday's, etc... All are included in the parking ban." How come weekend and holiday are plural and Sunday is possessive? Does Sunday have something that belongs to it that I can't use? "DON'T PARK HERE EVER OR ON ANYTHING THAT BELONGS TO THE SABBATH." Here's an idea. You let me park one more freaking day, and in return, I'll help you fix embarrassing mistake's on your certified letter's you send out.

It gets better.

"Your ban is permanent and remains in effect unless the Parking Services Office notifies you otherwise in writing." BAHAHA! Like, in 2029, I'll have to say "Sorry guys, let's drive the long way...can't drive through campus. It's forbidden. I have a record."

I just keep looking at it and laughing. A PERMANENT BAN? This could be one of my favorite mail pieces ever. Well, either this or the wedding announcement printed on a photo of the couple riding horses and kissing, so their names were superimposed over a horse's ass.

Anyway, the only time I have to go to the law school ever again is Tuesday for a final. What should I do? Take the bus? Risk eternal damnation by violating the PERMANENT BAN? Borrow someone else's car? Wear a disguise? Park in visitor parking and act natural?

Guide me, internet, guide me.