the latest

Well, last week was a helluva week!

• the damn bar exam. I'm really sick of talking about it, and if you have any friends or e-friends who took it, you're sick of hearing about it, so let me just say, in the words of my wise classmate (and former Miss Indian BYU): "Remember, results aren’t supposed to come out for 8-10 weeks. Don’t ask, if I don’t tell. And if I fail, it was because you weren’t faithful enough. So really, I’d be feeling bad for YOU." She also compared being done to "your birthday and Christmas wrapped in bacon and topped with a fudgesicle" so basically, it feels good.
  

• I ate a lot when I was in Utah, mostly Cafe Rio, Taco Amigo, JCWs, you know, the important things in life. I also had a delicious Gandolfo's breakfast sandwich on both mornings of the bar and plan to credit them with my success or blame it for my failure.
  

• I've gotten some interesting guidance from several friends about traveling alone with a toddler. One dear friend said, "Get people near you on your side before she freaks out. Then they'll be so charmed by her they won't even be mad when she's screaming." Another advised, "You will never see any of the people around you ever again, and you'll have that relationship with your kid your whole life. So worry about your kid and meet her needs and do your thing and don't feel bad about the strangers." I employed a mix of the two strategies and in spite of total dead-arm, a flight delay, a mini-meltdown or two (me, not the kid) and a couple of diaper situations (kid, not me), all was well.
  

• I had the first massage of my life thanks to a gift certificate from husband. I got it for graduation and made one of the best choices of my life by saving it until the day after the bar. Go get one, now. Sidenote: the place I went (in foothill village) just happens to be located in the same spot as the old office of a congressional campaign I worked on before law school, and don't worry, the room I was in was actually in MY OLD OFFICE. As in, I paid a stranger to give me a rubdown in the same little room I'd color maps and ask high-rollers for money in. Gross and awesome.

• It's great to be home. Husband painted the kitchen, living room, hall, kid's room and our room while we were gone, and it rocks.

• Anyway, I've been wondering lately about themed parties bc I think they're lame. I guess I get it if it's just a get together for the heck of it then great, but if the party already HAS A THEME, say, a bridal or baby shower, does it really need a second theme, like butterflies or luaus? Isn't the theme that it's a baby shower? Same with weddings. The theme is that it's your wedding. Stop dressing up like cowboys or whatever.

argh blech grrr and so forth

My last semester of college, I took a tele-course for some stupid art history requirement and when I say "took" I mean signed up for. No offense to Austrialian Megs the art history master, but this class was dumb. At least, I think it was, though how the freak do I know bc I never went.

It was one of those courses you supposedly watch on TV but (shocking, I know) I never did. Ever. It was on public television at something ridiculous like 10 PM on Fridays, and we didn't even have channels at our apartment (seriously...we had a TV but just for movies, make sense?). You could check videos out from the library which I always planned on doing to catch up but it just never happened. I'm a pretty good student most of the time but this was a glaring exception and you know how the less you do, the less you want to do? Yep. So, when I got an email telling me it was time for the open-book midterm I figured, "Uh oh, better pull something out." I hadn't thought AT ALL about the class...in fact, I didn't even own the book. The morning of the midterm, I went to the library thinking I'd check the book out and fake it.

Of course, the book was checked out.

I scurried to the bookstore to buy it (20 minutes before the exam) and OF COURSE, they don't have it. So what do I do? Why, what any self-respecting BSer would do...I show up to take the open book exam sans book and WITHOUT ONE RELEVANT PIECE OF INFORMATION IN MY BRAIN.

I walked in a little shy bc I didn't know if the man standing there was a proctor or actually the teacher, since I'd never watched the class. And then I just made stuff up. I got an email a few weeks later saying I could pick up my midterm, but I was scared to go, so never found out what I got on the exam. Naturally, I swore I'd salvage in time for the final.

(In my defense I'll say that in my other classes, I was attending, doing well, "learning," etc.; this one was uniquely impossible for me to feel motivated to do anything for. I promise I have a brain and, minus several glaring exceptions, am a responsible, reasonably good student).

Well, the final rolled around, and I still hadn't purchased the book,and I still hadn't watched a single class period. Luckily he emailed a "study guide" pdf out that looked like it was from the 1950s, Xeroxed or something so it looked all old-fashioned and smudgy. So I showed up armed with that.

45 minutes late.

All the doors were locked so I had wandered around the building for a while and finally got in, sat down, realized I had been really, really, really awful about this whole thing and just hoped for a miracle. I was about to graduate and just kept thinking, "Well, it's a general requirement, so if I get a C- or better I'm fine. Visualize a C. Visualize a C," and just started word-vomiting on the page. Good, old-fashioned make shiz up type word vomiting from someone startlingly unprepared for absolutely no good reason.

What did I get?

An A-.

Well, tomorrow morning I have an eerily similar situation and as Jennifer says, I'm alternating between panic and apathy. I'm just banking on the planet sending me the gift of bullshit. Though I have a sinking feeling United States bankruptcy code may be slightly more difficult to pretend on than the History of Art in Utah.

However, at the risk of sounding like TAMN, it's not my fault this guy made class too mind-numbingly boring to attend. In the words of the illustrious Rachel Williams, may I say, "Passing finals this year will be a Christmas miracle."

Here goes nothing.

shudder

Worst oft-heard cliches/phrases that lead to insta-cringe, both of which I was exposed to today:

"Finger in the dike"

"I'm feeling a little testy."

Got any you hate?

Bonz's gabfest

How have I not blogged about my love for Slate's political gabfest before and how my eyes light up when I see it appear each week?? I could TOTALLY do Emily Bazelon's job, i.e., shoot the shiz once a week about politics and have people tell me I'm awesome and get paid for it and come up with a cocktail chatter tidbit. I especially like that they interrupt one another bc as you know I prefer interruptors. Another reason I want to be her is that it turns out there's something called a Fellow of Law and Creative Writing...YES PLEASE. Seriously, start listening to Slate's political gabfest every week and it's like having a lunch date but in your undies while you eat Life cereal and make funny faces at your cute baby, if you have one, and ignore your damn homework.

Here's MY cocktail chatter: the Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator is a freaking genius idea. My own Sarah Palin baby name is not really that funny bc it's not believable (I'd be named Mullett Troll Palin) but hub would be Rock Crane Palin and baby would be Buster Taint Palin and our CUTE NEW NEPHEW (welcome to your life, buddy!) would be named Spackle Camshaft Palin). What would you be named had you been born to Sarah Palin?? Check it out, and you're welcome for the tip.

Lest you be overwhelmed by my striking maturity, just want to remind you that I'd like to arrange things like this in my spare time:

unrelated

Question:

What happens if you fill your car up with gas using the pay-inside option, and then your card doesn't work? Or you don't have the cash you thought you did? And the gas is already in your car? Do you have to wash out the hot dog machine? Do they take your license plate number and put it on your tab? I ask not because of personal experience, but because it occurred to me today that I am 25 years old and have no idea what would happen in that situation. Enlighten me.

Did you know...?

...that I slept so hard on the bus this morning that I woke up confused and startled the person next to me, who gasped and looked at me in a panic?

...that BYU blocks Youtube? Seriously.

...that I use the term "up in my business" 3-5 times per day, for uses as varied as "Wow, you parked awfully close to that guy, you're right up in his business" and "Why you up in my business about what we had for dinner?"

...that "go hang a salami i'm a lasagna hog" is a palindrome?

...that I wish I drank coffee on days like today?

...that this guy hid 34 marijuana joints in his undies and got caught when they frisked his bum at the airport?

Don't do drugs. Just a few things to be aware of.

Bowels and such

I'm learning (correction, pounding my head into the wall) about the Federal Election Campaign Act which is abbreviated FECA....

....and all I can think about is poo because it's just one letter short of FECAL. Sometimes my maturity overwhelms me.

Farting in Public

My first year of college, a co-worker told me I was a 14-year-old boy trapped in an 19-year-old girl's body. I reflect on that comment often, and when I laugh so freaking hard at things like this, I guess I am. I beg you to watch til the end bc I thought the last half was the best...Admit it, you love it.

a serious, imposing profession

A little something I just discovered:

In an effort to do my part to recruit future law students of America, here is a sampling of the items available to those (like me, ahem) who accumulate a sufficient number of points online thanks to a certain national legal research provider:

The complete first season of MTV's Pimp My Ride....Rap superstar and car enthusiast Xzibit and car customization specialist Mad Mike take aim on clunkers on the road.

The complete third season of Golden Girls (only for pals and confidantes).

Note: For a mere 1800 points you can also get the 2nd season of Degrassi Junior High, and 3000 will get you a remote controlled fan. HOW CAN YOU RESIST THE TEMPTING WORLD OF LAW?

another reason I'm 12

In my Advocacy class, everyone has to write a big ugly appellate brief, and it is miserable right up there with eating toenails (but not crunchy, and relatively germ-free, and takes a lot longer, and you have to edit it).

Anyway, today the teacher said "Monday everyone will hand in their briefs" and I was the only one who giggled.