gurrbonzo: October 2010

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

also, I'd like some fruit snacks

There is nothing quite like a marathon stake youth activity (service project AND dinner AND games AND dance, plus an hour of travel time each way) to make you (a) glad you work with such sweet and delightful teen girls and (b) glad you are NO LONGER a teen girl. Holy. Cow. The awkwardness. The eyeliner. THE BODY SPRAY.

Is it really the last season of Friday Night Lights? I may cry.

What IS it about the gym and bad TV? For reasons I'll never understand, gym TV is the best place to find random crap you'd never stumble into otherwise. For example, Real Housewives. So terrifying, so wonderful, so absurd, and so ubiquitous, because it doesn't matter what day or what time I go to the gym, they are there waiting. IT'S LIKE THEY KNOW WHEN I AM GOING AND ARRANGE IT TO BE THERE. So, that's why this article discussion Real Housewives and zombies made me laugh and laugh.

You know how you become stuff you used to hate, and don't even realize it? Well. Yeah. I think it's weird how childless people complain about things people with kids do, then they themselves reproduce and WHAMMO it's a steady stream of all the stuff they used to hate, all the time. Is there no self-awareness in this picture? I get that things change. And I love my kids and yap about them all the time. Nonetheless, if you say, "Pregnant women are smug and can't shut up about it," and then the moment YOU get pregnant, you start giving DAILY fetus updates on facebook ("only 67 more days! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?"), it's weird. Kind of like single people who hate PDA and gripe about how cheesy and smug married couples are, then, wham, they are suddenly blogging about 3-monthiversary scavenger hunts and nicknames. What I'm saying here is that I find our total lack of self-awareness as humans fascinating and bizarre. (I know I am not exempt from these phenomena. That does not detract from the weirdness.)

I am at a life stage in which it seems hard to make hangout friends that don't make you want to poke your eyes out. Can I get an amen?

My mom and step-dad came into town a few weeks ago and helped us re-tile our whole freaking bathroom. Is that true love or what?? There is something really awesome about people who will fly in for a long weekend, tear a wall down, put it back up and cut a bunch of tile and watch your kids and go home exhausted. It was a whirlwind but it was really awesome to (a) have them visit and (b) have our bathroom back in business (after a minor mishap many moons ago) and now...drumroll....last week brought a beautiful milestone to the gurrbonzo household: our bathroom is officially duct-tape free.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

slightly creepy, slightly awesome

If you have a pile of bar exam study stuff that you keep around because it's only printed on one side and therefore ideal for your two-year-old to color on, and later you cut some of those papers into shapes, and then another day she colors them, there is a decent chance that she'll color an adorable pink heart and hand it to a friend, and unbeknownst to you, it'll have the felony murder rule described on the back.

Just so you know.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

I must speak out

No longer can I remain silent about so vexing an issue.

To: The World
From: Gurrbonzo

Isle = island. Like, IN THE SEA.

Aisle = passageway like at the store or the theater or in an airplane.

I know, I know, I mix up things like that with the best of them but this one is KILLING ME. Just a heads up, if you are writing it, YOU PROBABLY MEAN "AISLE."

Thank you for your time.

Quotable Quotes, or, tidbits from me life.

My professor, about people having their babies at home: Home delivery is for pizza.

Me, about Prof: I LIKE his wavelength; I'm just not on it.

Student: I don't think so.
(long pause).
Prof: No, you DO think so.

"I wish I had the opportunity to HAVE a sexual quality of life." -- student responding to survey

"I should cut up my credit cards.
(long pause)
Of course, then I would starve." -- Student

"Are you getting a manicure in my courtroom? What the hell are you doing?" Judge/Prof, to student clipping nails

"He covered everything but his 1990 colonoscopy. Good example of a bad speech. Everyone wants to go home, so unless you're awfully funny, keep it brief." -- Prof

"I'm not opposed to playing games. If you want to play solitaire, bring a deck of cards." -- Prof

"If you want to spend time with your young children, you have to do it when they're young." -- Chief Justice Roberts

Student: That doesn't jive very well with the second article of faith, punishing people for their parents' transgressions.
Prof: Yes, oh holy one.

"For expert witnesses, there are 2 requirements: must have gray hair, and must have hemorrhoids to convey the proper level of concern." -- Prof

"I represented a prostitute, and some of her activities were highly aerobic." -- Prof

"I lock my car. Do you know why? Because I have contraband." - - Prof

"You can either finish law school and write patents at home 1 hour a day, while your little one scribbles on the walls with permanent marker, or you can strap your baby to your back and wash floors with a dirty mop in the early morning and late evening. You decide." --Friend, telling me not to quit

"The children of lawyers who don't read footnotes will STARVE." -- Prof

"You know what’s great about a new day? It’s a new day, full of new opportunities for rejection. I mean, WHO KNOWS who might reject me today?” -- Student, about the job hunt.

"Every time I read an opinion by Justice Breyer, I think of ice cream, and then I want some." -- Student

"I don't want a job. I want a life plan. I need direction!" -- Student.

"They met at a Communist party get together. Not exactly the wardhouse, but still pretty romantic." -- Prof

"He thought he might be the father, because they had sort of an intimate relationship...well, not sort of." -- Prof

"The federal government appreciates love. They understand it." -- Prof

"You never tell your clients to lie. That's unethical. You say, 'Well, here is a potential, credible story that we hope is true.'" -- Prof

"When you get caught speeding, don't say 'I'm sorry.' Say, 'IF I was speeding, I am sorry.' ADMIT NOTHING." -- Prof

"It's true. You can google it on the Internet." -- Prof

"Let me give you a hypothetical. Jesus goes to law school, graduates, what does He do? Criminal prosecution or defense? That's right, he's defending these monsters. He's a defense attorney. That's my gospel insight for the day." -- Prof.

"This is my job. I'm just trying to do my job, and you're giving me a hard time. I don't give you a hard time with your job. I just order my burger and fries." -- Prof to smart alecky student

"It's just one more way he's found to shame me."
--Student, about Prof

"In a couple of days, you're going to wish this distinction didn't exist." --Prof

"I can't concentrate when it's snowing, dammit."
--Student, when asked a question in class

Prof: "And what did the court say about that?"
Student: "They didn't mention it."
(awkward pause)
Prof: "Actually, it's italicized. Hahaha!"

"Punitive damages are un-freaking-predictable, but it's the consumer's way of saying 'corporate America, you can't screw me over.'" -- Prof

"I'd like to reward attendance and good preparation, but it's a crapshoot, after all." --Prof, explaining grading policy

"I don't know if any of you have neighbors with vicious boars, but if you do, you should probably move." --Prof

Student A: The thing speaks for itself, don't you think?
Student B: Then I want to know what the hell it's saying.

Student: I would think so.
Prof: You would THINK so???
(awkward pause)
Student: But I would obviously be wrong.

"My wife tells me it's harder to actually give birth than to encourage someone to give birth." -- Prof

Student: I give up.
Prof: Actually, only I get to decide when you give up.

"I think most people who work for the government are lazy, because I've been to the post office." -- Student

"I made the mistake of going out to lunch. I've seen the sun. I've tasted freedom." -- Student

"Imaginable in a common sense sort of way, not imaginable in a science fiction sort of way." -- Prof

Prof: Ready? You've had 19 minutes to think about this.
Student: I know. I advanced a level on Warcraft.

"I know you hate me, because I made you read pages we didn't get to. I hate me too." -- Prof

"Don't go there. We have a chart on that that's gonna give you a rash." -- Prof

Prof: Passover is coming! Have you been thinking about it?
Student: No, Ive been busy preparing food for it all week.
Prof: Your excuse fails, because the law requires the lamb to be boiled not roasted, so it must be done quickly. Your excuse fails like the little boy who lost his CTR ring."

Student: Can you clarify consequential and incidental damages in this case? It's a little fuzzy.
Prof: Let's just not.

Prof: Now, I want to go back to this student, because he's the one that said thou shalt not kill.
Student: Well, God said that, I quoted it.

"An accumulation of bad choices will make you into a bad lawyer and therefore a bad person." -- Prof