Thursday, August 30, 2007


So, thanks to newfangled technology, I recently discovered that you can tell what people google that brings them to your site, and the good news is: Gurrbonzo is the ultimate google-giggle.

Things random people have googled in the last week that brought them to this blog:

1. anything about Pinocchio and Shrek 3 (that's a common one, thanks to this post)

2. "what is a pseudo homonym" and "homonyms of safe" bring you here. Who is googling that? And why are they coming here??

3. "quotes from the Glass Castle" (which is bizarre, since while I loved the book, there are no quotes from it here). And my personal favorite:


"Hulk Hogan has a concealed weapons permit." I kid you not. There are people reading this site because they googled that. This post comes up 7th when you google it (NOT MAKING THIS UP), so if hulk's career has a revival, YOU'RE WELCOME, MAN.

My feelings this week

Monday, August 27, 2007

funny spam part II

Similar to a previous post, sometimes champion spam comes into my life, for which I am thankful. Today (at my law school email, which makes it even funnier), I got a great piece o spam. After big long blahblahblah about what a successful company it is (please note that the company itself is never mentioned by name), I ran into this little tidbit:

+ We do everything to make everyone who works with us creatively inspired. + We are interested in the success of every our partner because our company success is the success of our representing partners.

OH. MY. How can they make me creatively inspired? Is that something you can force? And what kind of company needs creative inspiration? They'll do EVERYTHING to make me creatively inspired? What does this mean!? But most of all, I enjoy the last sentence because "every our partner" is VERY professional, and did someone tell them saying "success" 3 times in one sentence makes it come true even if the sentence itself makes no sense? Is it a repetitition spell?

Nonetheless, I really want someone to make me creatively inspired and I want to have success to bring the company success, which is my success, so I sent my resume just in case. You never know.

Sunday, August 26, 2007


This past week, the Australian wonder and I ventured into a world dear to us, a world full of wonder, intrigue and cat hair. The world of the mission.

Highlights: we stayed in an old lady's basement for $20 a night, stuck pins in a map representing our homes, visited 4 separate Wegman's stores, saw the sun NEVER (which is pretty standard for the world's cloudiest place), strolled down memory lane with some EFY tunes, got rage at times, reminisced about pagans and gross outs, hit up the sites, had a heart to heart with a champion missionary at the Smith farm, tried to get in a car that wasn't ours, heckled through our 343rd viewing of "The Restoration," strolled the pier on Lake Ontario, got up whenever we felt like it, did many a driveby, knocked a few unanswered doors and even tracked down one of our favorite Peruvians in her new store.

Great work, team.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Why the criminal and I are a lot alike

There's something you should know. This guy was just arrested for bank robbery wearing this shirt:

The best part is: I won the same shirt.
The year was 1998. On a breezy summer afternoon, yours truly was hard at work at the drive thru window of the prestigious eating establishment at which I was employed. As a responsible, upstanding sophomore in high school, I took my important job seriously, making sure people had the requested hot or mild sauce, correct change, and service with a smile. Unbeknownst to me, a mystery shopper employed by Coke came through the drive thru, I asked him if he'd like a drink with that. SHAZAM! This little bonzo passed a surprise test. He came in with balloons and presented me with that t-shirt, a free cooler and some free soda.

So the same thing must've happened to this guy, and now I have something very meaningful in common with a bank robber! The difference: One of us ended up in the paper, while one of us decided to start paying various educational institutions for pieces of paper that may or may not ever amount to anything.
Looks like I chose the wrong fork in the road. Poop.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Sometimes, church is boring...

but other times, a 50 year old woman gives a talk, and decides to bring a bubble machine. Then, she blows bubbles from the pulpit, and all is well.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Top Ten Things I was Tempted to Do Last Night When We Had the Sister Missionaries Over for Dinner

1. Insist on filling their plates myself with 2-3 times the portion they would choose for themselves; moments later, tell them they still look hungry and fill the plate once more.

2. Buy a cat and let it climb on the stove while we finish cooking.

3. Ask them when they go home.

4. Treat them like Spiritual Pez Dispensers and ask things like: "Tell me something spiritual about your mission," or "What's the hardest part so far?" or "How often do you get homesick?" or "Tell me something inspirational."

5. Offer to set them up with a brother/cousin/nephew/friend.

6. Request a specific spiritual message from them. "How about something from Lesson 5?"

7. Pour them coffee.

8. Yell, "Gotta go!" and smile sweetly, leaving them alone with husband just to see if they panic.

9. Pretend they were at the wrong house.

10. Say, "Wow, I guess the old saying 'sister missionaries are worth the weight' applies now, doesn't it?"

Friday, August 10, 2007

Hulk Hogan

Readers, I had the deeeeelightful experience of eating breakfast with my dear friend since 6th grade, the one and only Suzikins. This glorious visit just happened to be on the same week Zacharoo posted a comment about a particular poem, AND the same week I discovered said poem...A SIGN! So, voila! A little tidbit from 2001, the early days, when the millenium was new. The best part is that I wrote it in 2 minutes before a creative writing class (about Suzikins' then-boyfriend) and it's the only thing the teacher liked all semester. Just goes to show: never try.

Hulk Hogan (practically)

We meet him, and hate him.
He makes unfunny jokes, laughs at his unfunny self
And won't stop talking about his concealed weapons permit.
She likes him (how? she's sane!), we hate him
He gets clingy and creepy and mean
racist jokes "but I'm only kidding!" alarm and irritate
He goes to archery tournaments (on purpose)
And if he brags about hunting cats one more time...
But she's allowed to date him,
we let her,
only because
he buys us food.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007


I dedicate the following to myself, since I just completed 8 wonderful months of free labor, and to my newly and purposely jobless sister-in-law, and to Zacharoo who lasted two decades without a real job unless you count lifeguard which I don't.


Monday, August 06, 2007

Ode to the Tahitian Machine

My trainer on the mish hailed from the exotic land of French Polynesia, only people could never remember where she was from and usually thought she said "Haiti" instead of "Tahiti." I've been thinking about her this week as she got hitched last Friday, turned the big 26 on Saturday, and is a measly 4700 miles away from here. Her wish: to marry a fellow Tahitian with a strong testimony who doesn't stress and speaks English. And it just came true! Wowza!

A few tidbits about my Tahitian:

1. In French, "salad" is said almost exactly the same as in English but with an emphasis on the "lad." She was scared she'd say it weird, so everytime someone said "Would you like salad or applesauce?" she'd say applesauce even though she hates it.

2. She enjoyed saying RESTORE-ation and thought it made more sense than REST-oration, since the gospel was, after all, REstored.

3. People often (I am not making this up) asked her if she lived in a tree.

4. She mixed up the difference between "would" and "will" and just thinks they are both future, so often said cute things like "I would go get that later..." and it killed me.

5. She has the longest hair I have ever seen on any human being.

6. She has an incredible powerhouse testimony and is one of the most gentle, peaceful souls around (must be the island living...)

6. She is one of my all-time favorite people on earth.

As an ode to the Tahitian Wonder, I therefore include a pseudo-poem I wrote on the mission about our six hilarious weeks together. Heart you, Sinj.

In Tahiti, We Don’t Stress

So we can crack each other up – you practice your English and I’ll practice my French and since you like the way it sounds when we say, “I’m in trouble” and “salad” you’ll say it over and over again, and when you figure out the word for traffic light you’ll say it all day.

And when the man shoveling his driveway stopped to talk to us and my hat was red and yours was black and we couldn’t feel our toes and after 20 minutes of talking and praying my brains out he said no thank you and I wanted to cry and you put your hand on my shoulder and said his heart was closed so we raced up the next abnormally steep driveway, me first since my boots were bigger so I could be like a snowplow.

That might’ve been when we met Nate who was in a Christian rock band and said he had a heart for Jesus and that the doctor told him he was 20 pounds underweight and he explained his sideburns to us and we talked about his dog named Oreo, an island called Raiatea and a man named Moroni he didn’t believe in but we wanted him to. His brother pretended he wasn’t listening but we knew he was and one day he’ll knock doors too I bet.

And balding Becky said she could never get baptized because her ear hurts when it gets wet and also she wanted to know how we could live on the sun because wouldn’t it be really hot, and she lived kind of by this family whose house I could never find in the dark and they knew about Mormons from a radio show. Pete the dad had a dream when his own dad died that actually boosted his faith for when the dog (that was bigger than their kids) died too. We laughed when they showed us their wedding pictures and even explained the refreshments there and for the first time I felt God’s love for someone else and you smiled and we brought them hot chocolate.

Which is understandable since we had tons, given to us by the same people who gave us matching pajamas, frozen meatloaf and many pep talks when it was cold and later we played dodgeball with Pat who is probably still waiting for an answer and if I hit him it meant he had to read which happened rarely but at least he went to seminary and we think he understood priesthood.

Or when that Indian family repeated our prayer and we ate no joke the best meal of our lives with a couple that had a cartoon hanging up of when they eloped and we watched the Avery kids beg their parents to please just try this church once so they could see what it was like – and all that snow!

You loved the snow and hated the cold but hey who doesn’t, so we ate one more cheeseburger and tried (unsuccessfully) one more random recipe, then I put on two skirts and three sweaters and you wrapped multiple scarves around your face and some angry man took our picture and we prayed for warmth and rang the doorbell.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Safety first

Ever drive behind a truck or trailer with cargo that looks a little wobbly? Ever had a few wood planks blowing in the wind, staring at you as you maintain a safe following distance behind them and wish you were wearing a helmet and/or goggles so you don't become this lady? Well, I am always a little concerned about things that look like they could fly into my windshield when I'm going 75 MPH, but today I had the exciting opportunity of following a trailer with 2 incredibly wobbly portapotties precariously strapped upon it.