gurrbonzo: Me & Pinocchio, Talking In Circles

Monday, July 23, 2007

Me & Pinocchio, Talking In Circles

Many of you might remember this great scene from the most recent (most lametastic) Shrek 3, when Pinocchio* says the following:

"Well, uhh, I don’t know where he’s NOT. It wouldn’t be inaccurate to assume that I couldn’t exactly not say that it is or isn’t almost partially incorrect. "

Prince (the royalty, not the artist formerly known as): "So you do know where he is?"

"On the contrary. I possibly more or less not definitely rejected the idea in no way with any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably do or do not know where he shouldn’t probably be. If that indeed wasn’t where he isn’t. Even if he wasn’t where I knew he was…"

Today at my awesome "lawyertype work" job (as my busfriend likes to call it), I felt just like this goofy nose-length-varying marionnette when I learned that in a particular circumstance, you have the burden of proving something is "not inconsistent" with the rest of the record. Now, I attended second grade (or "grade 2" as it's called in the Motherland), so I know a thing or two about prefixes and suffixes and their general meanings, so I know "in" usually means "not." Right?? So not inconsistent = not not consistent and the nots cancel each other out so = consistent?

(inconsistent: adj. not consistent in principles, conduct...at least, that's what dictionary.com told me, and if there is one thing I know in this world, it's that the Internets don't lie.)

I then proceeded to read several paragraphs about how "not inconsistent" is different from "consistent" because the conclusion need not be directly supported by the record ("consistent"), it just can't directly contradict anything else that has been presented (be inconsistent). So, not inconsistent does not equal consistent.

Oh barf.

*I know "Pinocchio" looks weird but I totally checked the spelling.

4 comments:

Katie M. said...: Gurry Curry.
Listen, I know you're a sharp tool in the tool shed, but cmon- did you really commit the whole Pinocchio/ Prince commentary dialogue to memeory? Outstanding if you did, and if you didn't, well, still love ya. I love your label at the bottom, "law school... rage". Can't forget the "oh barf" comment. Ha!!! I love getting GUrr giggles. Did you like Shrek 3? I thought that was the best part. Peeed.; 10:38 AM
Supalinds said...: BARF!!!!!; 12:32 PM
Natalie said...: I love it when you post funny things from work. Keep em' coming!; 5:09 PM
Anonymous said...: Reminds me of an article I read in Time Magazine about a snowstorm in Johannesburg. It said that snowstorms were rare but not uncommon in that part of Africa. Try that one out in the courtroom.

-Zacharoo; 11:58 AM

Quotable Quotes, or, tidbits from me life.

My professor, about people having their babies at home: Home delivery is for pizza.

Me, about Prof: I LIKE his wavelength; I'm just not on it.

Student: I don't think so.
(long pause).
Prof: No, you DO think so.

"I wish I had the opportunity to HAVE a sexual quality of life." -- student responding to survey

"I should cut up my credit cards.
(long pause)
Of course, then I would starve." -- Student

"Are you getting a manicure in my courtroom? What the hell are you doing?" Judge/Prof, to student clipping nails

"He covered everything but his 1990 colonoscopy. Good example of a bad speech. Everyone wants to go home, so unless you're awfully funny, keep it brief." -- Prof

"I'm not opposed to playing games. If you want to play solitaire, bring a deck of cards." -- Prof

"If you want to spend time with your young children, you have to do it when they're young." -- Chief Justice Roberts

Student: That doesn't jive very well with the second article of faith, punishing people for their parents' transgressions.
Prof: Yes, oh holy one.

"For expert witnesses, there are 2 requirements: must have gray hair, and must have hemorrhoids to convey the proper level of concern." -- Prof

"I represented a prostitute, and some of her activities were highly aerobic." -- Prof

"I lock my car. Do you know why? Because I have contraband." - - Prof

"You can either finish law school and write patents at home 1 hour a day, while your little one scribbles on the walls with permanent marker, or you can strap your baby to your back and wash floors with a dirty mop in the early morning and late evening. You decide." --Friend, telling me not to quit

"The children of lawyers who don't read footnotes will STARVE." -- Prof

"You know what’s great about a new day? It’s a new day, full of new opportunities for rejection. I mean, WHO KNOWS who might reject me today?” -- Student, about the job hunt.

"Every time I read an opinion by Justice Breyer, I think of ice cream, and then I want some." -- Student

"I don't want a job. I want a life plan. I need direction!" -- Student.

"They met at a Communist party get together. Not exactly the wardhouse, but still pretty romantic." -- Prof

"He thought he might be the father, because they had sort of an intimate relationship...well, not sort of." -- Prof

"The federal government appreciates love. They understand it." -- Prof

"You never tell your clients to lie. That's unethical. You say, 'Well, here is a potential, credible story that we hope is true.'" -- Prof

"When you get caught speeding, don't say 'I'm sorry.' Say, 'IF I was speeding, I am sorry.' ADMIT NOTHING." -- Prof

"It's true. You can google it on the Internet." -- Prof

"Let me give you a hypothetical. Jesus goes to law school, graduates, what does He do? Criminal prosecution or defense? That's right, he's defending these monsters. He's a defense attorney. That's my gospel insight for the day." -- Prof.

"This is my job. I'm just trying to do my job, and you're giving me a hard time. I don't give you a hard time with your job. I just order my burger and fries." -- Prof to smart alecky student

"It's just one more way he's found to shame me."
--Student, about Prof

"In a couple of days, you're going to wish this distinction didn't exist." --Prof

"I can't concentrate when it's snowing, dammit."
--Student, when asked a question in class

Prof: "And what did the court say about that?"
Student: "They didn't mention it."
(awkward pause)
Prof: "Actually, it's italicized. Hahaha!"

"Punitive damages are un-freaking-predictable, but it's the consumer's way of saying 'corporate America, you can't screw me over.'" -- Prof

"I'd like to reward attendance and good preparation, but it's a crapshoot, after all." --Prof, explaining grading policy

"I don't know if any of you have neighbors with vicious boars, but if you do, you should probably move." --Prof

Student A: The thing speaks for itself, don't you think?
Student B: Then I want to know what the hell it's saying.

Student: I would think so.
Prof: You would THINK so???
(awkward pause)
Student: But I would obviously be wrong.

"My wife tells me it's harder to actually give birth than to encourage someone to give birth." -- Prof

Student: I give up.
Prof: Actually, only I get to decide when you give up.

"I think most people who work for the government are lazy, because I've been to the post office." -- Student

"I made the mistake of going out to lunch. I've seen the sun. I've tasted freedom." -- Student

"Imaginable in a common sense sort of way, not imaginable in a science fiction sort of way." -- Prof

Prof: Ready? You've had 19 minutes to think about this.
Student: I know. I advanced a level on Warcraft.

"I know you hate me, because I made you read pages we didn't get to. I hate me too." -- Prof

"Don't go there. We have a chart on that that's gonna give you a rash." -- Prof

Prof: Passover is coming! Have you been thinking about it?
Student: No, Ive been busy preparing food for it all week.
Prof: Your excuse fails, because the law requires the lamb to be boiled not roasted, so it must be done quickly. Your excuse fails like the little boy who lost his CTR ring."

Student: Can you clarify consequential and incidental damages in this case? It's a little fuzzy.
Prof: Let's just not.

Prof: Now, I want to go back to this student, because he's the one that said thou shalt not kill.
Student: Well, God said that, I quoted it.

"An accumulation of bad choices will make you into a bad lawyer and therefore a bad person." -- Prof