Saturday, April 25, 2009

presenting a haphazard assortment of thoughts brought to you by Gurrbonzo, J.D.

*When I hear someone say "My bad!" I always pause for a moment and wonder if it's 1995.

*Sometimes, I pick up dinner from Paradise Bakery, but every time I order something to go, they hand me the bag to put it in, rather than just put the food in the bag themselves. This causes me to stand right in the way for a few minutes while I unfold said bag and put the stuff inside it, and each time I get rage. Why are you making me do this task that you could do much more easily, and for which you are paid?

*Similarly, I will go pretty far out of my way to hit up a Harmon's grocery store because they don't make me take the stuff out of my cart myself, and the ease and joy involved in not having that assignment be my problem is worth nigh unto any price, and it's kind of embarrassing how much I like it.

*Today I busted out some negotiation skills on a car dealer and it was empowering.

*One reason MCB and I are friends is because she sends me text messages like this one: "There are a bunch of wiccan goth types at Joann's. I love humanity."

*Today I bought our baby some adorable pink sandals. They were in a little bag so I didn't realize til after I got home that THE HEELS SQUEAK. That's right. Shoes for a one year old. Who just started walking. And they SQUEAK WITH EVERY STEP. Umm. Shoot me. Whose idea was that?

*The rumor is that in Mexico and Germany they call lawyers "doctor." Is that true? If so, can we start that up again here? But if I were a real doctor I'd be pissed bc I would have gone to a dozen more years of school than the fake lawyer doctors and I'd want them to know their role.

*I love it when someone I initially thought was boring and/or two-dimensional ends up being awesome. Those are my favorite surprises.

*Also, I graduated from law school this week. I don't know what to say about it except that honestly, there were times when I thought this day would never come, especially during the first year which, for me, was just as intense as everyone says it is. I had some serious "I've made a huge mistake" moments a la Gob Bluth before I found my groove. And now, suddenly it's all past tense. When I think about all the people I've met, and about my dear hub and my mom and a billion other family members who picked up so much of my school-induced slack and without whom this would never have happened, and when I think about the time going to law school first dawned on me as a painfully clueless 21-year-old pseudo-snicket, and when I remember applying to law school on a few p-days in the library in Shortsville, NY, and starting to hear back from law schools during the last few months of my mission and wondering what the freak the future held for me, and now I have a cute one-year-old and a J.D., I get a little disoriented and a little teary-eyed and a lot happy.
And then I think about the bar.

*I know they are different, but when I think about times in my life (mission, childbirth, law school, to name a few) where I have honestly felt like I could pick up the planet or a house or run across the country, just that for a split second I feel like I really can do anything, I want to do more hard things, because it is awesome. So for a split second I get why people become crazy triathletes and all of that. I mean, not enough to DO that, but I get it, and invite you to do something hard because in my admittedly minimal experience it's basically the best feeling in the world, and I can't think of anything more rewarding than realizing that hey, you know that thing you thought you couldn't do?
You just did.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

renegade of justice

I am truly touched/startled at how many of you seemed truly alarmed at my parking predicament. Now that I've survived the ordeal, I can tell you about it and not have you worry about accomplice liability.

I drove my mom's car. That's right. I did. And parked in visitor parking. And MY HEART WAS POUNDING! There were two men* standing at the entrance, so I took an extra lap around the school, and then drove up, sweating and nervous. They came over to my car as I pulled into the lot and just looked at me.

I rolled down the window, checked behind them to see if there was a WANTED poster with my name and picture on it, then smiled sweetly and asked in my most innocent sister missionary voice: "Do I need a little ticket or anything?"

"No," they responded in the eerie, unnaturally pleasant tone all school employees are famous for, "As long as you're not a student here, you're fine."

I smiled and swallowed nervously as I saw the sign behind them which read Be prepared to show current identification upon request. What if they ask me my name? What if they look up my name and see the permanent ban and escort me away and I never finish law school and my picture hangs on the wall of shame indefinitely? I parked. I got out of the car as quickly as I could without looking suspicious and felt nervous all day. Well, every time I started to feel better, I'd see another person who would ask me excitedly, "HOW DID YOU GET HERE?" I was scared to answer bc they record everything.

BUT, I DID IT. So, I violated the ban, and I won, and it gave me a rush. Maybe this is why people shoplift...

*(meaning 21-year-olds with acne)

Friday, April 17, 2009

because I am erratically irresponsible

Generally, I'm pretty on top of things. I'm a list-maker. I multitask. I'm a good student. I clean up. I budget. You know the story. With most things, I do what I say I'll do and what I'm supposed to do and feel bad if I don't.


Sometimes, I just don't.

I pick really dumb things to flake out on. For example, I recently lost a library book. Straight up lost it. Who does that? Am I eleven? I brought it with me to Miami and it disappeared and now I have to pay for it. Whatever.

I also meant to get a parking pass this year but it just never happened. It's free. I applied online, but there was a problem of some sort and I never called to figure out what it was. Give me a break! I'm always in a hurry, and I never go "across the street" to regular campus on principle. So, it just didn't happen and I have only myself to blame. I drive to school 2-3 times a week, park in the graduate student lot, get the occasional parking ticket and just grumble and pay it and think about how I should get my damn pass but I just haven't. In March, I thought about it and realized hey, it's March, why get it now? Just get school over with.

No big deal right?

And I would have gotten away with it, too...

I signed for a CERTIFIED LETTER today at the post office and to my delight/embarrassment/amazement, I am "permanently prohibited from driving and/or parking any motor vehicle on campus at any time."

Wait, let's back up.

This is awesome.

They bothered to send a CERTIFIED LETTER? And the ban is PERMANENT? As in, forever? And I love that it's not just parking, it's even driving. Like campus is surrounded by an electric fence and if I try to drive a car (not just MY car, mind you, ANY CAR) on campus it will zap me and the meter maids will yell "YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE!" This "certified letter" says if they find my car on campus it will get impounded and I'll get a $300 citation AND they forward my traffic records to the honor code office.

Seriously? This letter is killing me. Why are you so uptight about this when THE PARKING PASSES ARE FREE? What's the point of enforcing this with such ridiculous language? Look me up. I'm a student. I can park there. Everyone relax.

Also, I hate the word "permanent" almost as much as I hate the word "mandatory." Sometimes in law school they think if they add the word "mandatory" to something, it's like a weapon of intimidation. Nothing's ever really mandatory, and nothing's ever permanent. Quit pretending you're the sheriff of the world.

I also love that it says this "PERMANENT BAN" includes (this is a direct quote): "Weekends, Holidays, Sunday's, etc... All are included in the parking ban." How come weekend and holiday are plural and Sunday is possessive? Does Sunday have something that belongs to it that I can't use? "DON'T PARK HERE EVER OR ON ANYTHING THAT BELONGS TO THE SABBATH." Here's an idea. You let me park one more freaking day, and in return, I'll help you fix embarrassing mistake's on your certified letter's you send out.

It gets better.

"Your ban is permanent and remains in effect unless the Parking Services Office notifies you otherwise in writing." BAHAHA! Like, in 2029, I'll have to say "Sorry guys, let's drive the long way...can't drive through campus. It's forbidden. I have a record."

I just keep looking at it and laughing. A PERMANENT BAN? This could be one of my favorite mail pieces ever. Well, either this or the wedding announcement printed on a photo of the couple riding horses and kissing, so their names were superimposed over a horse's ass.

Anyway, the only time I have to go to the law school ever again is Tuesday for a final. What should I do? Take the bus? Risk eternal damnation by violating the PERMANENT BAN? Borrow someone else's car? Wear a disguise? Park in visitor parking and act natural?

Guide me, internet, guide me.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

today I played a game called "name that chick"

It was bizarre and fun.

Speaking of bizarre, I listened to this podcast yesterday about 10 bizarre ways to die. (I've climbed on the "How Stuff Works" train lately and am slowly building up a startling reservoir of useless information.) Unfortunately, the website is one of those that makes you click "next" a thousand times instead of just showing you the whole article, so I'll do you a favor and jump you right to the weirdest one.

Anyway, the Name that Chick game involved charades-meets-Catchphrase/Taboo sort of antics where we acted out a solid assortment of famous women, including:

Oprah Winfrey
Catherine Mackinnon
Gwyneth Paltrow
Bella Abzug
Clara Barton
Diane Sawyer
Picabo Street

I don't know if you can really beat that as far as bizarre fun goes. Or can you?

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

the latest

What's the latest? Why, I'm glad you asked!

I made bread.


Intense, I know. Next thing you know I'll be planning elaborate party favors for cute little baby girls turning one. Just kidding. That will never happen. But you know what I mean. Maybe this is one step closer to MCB taking me under her sewing wing. Clips! Pillows! Dresses! Curtains! Petticoats! Who knows!? The sky's the limit now that I'm making bread!

In other news, our kid is walking. Well, practically. Zombie steps here and there, but I think it counts. She gets the giggles these days and loves oranges, things with wheels, and minorities. Today it was hot so I took off her socks and shoes, so not only was she barefoot but she also had a runny nose. This makes for the cutest street urchin ever to roam the halls of the J Reub!

And speaking of school, IT IS MY LAST WEEK OF LAW SCHOOL. Can you believe it? I know, I know, some of us thought this day would never come, but here it is so let us rejoice and give thanks. There is but one big fat paper and one big fat final between me and freedom, if by freedom you mean studying for the bar. And guess who else is almost done with school, though he has a couple more weeks left than I do? Husband! So, yep, that's pretty great.

Okay, but seriously, back to the bread. I MADE IT. Like, kneaded it (seems like past tense should be kned) and everything. No gadgets. Just me and the flour, like Mother Eve (or whoever). Who knew it was a) so easy and b) so tasty?? Do you guys have OTHER such information that would have been useful like ten years ago?