Friday, April 17, 2009

because I am erratically irresponsible

Generally, I'm pretty on top of things. I'm a list-maker. I multitask. I'm a good student. I clean up. I budget. You know the story. With most things, I do what I say I'll do and what I'm supposed to do and feel bad if I don't.


Sometimes, I just don't.

I pick really dumb things to flake out on. For example, I recently lost a library book. Straight up lost it. Who does that? Am I eleven? I brought it with me to Miami and it disappeared and now I have to pay for it. Whatever.

I also meant to get a parking pass this year but it just never happened. It's free. I applied online, but there was a problem of some sort and I never called to figure out what it was. Give me a break! I'm always in a hurry, and I never go "across the street" to regular campus on principle. So, it just didn't happen and I have only myself to blame. I drive to school 2-3 times a week, park in the graduate student lot, get the occasional parking ticket and just grumble and pay it and think about how I should get my damn pass but I just haven't. In March, I thought about it and realized hey, it's March, why get it now? Just get school over with.

No big deal right?

And I would have gotten away with it, too...

I signed for a CERTIFIED LETTER today at the post office and to my delight/embarrassment/amazement, I am "permanently prohibited from driving and/or parking any motor vehicle on campus at any time."

Wait, let's back up.

This is awesome.

They bothered to send a CERTIFIED LETTER? And the ban is PERMANENT? As in, forever? And I love that it's not just parking, it's even driving. Like campus is surrounded by an electric fence and if I try to drive a car (not just MY car, mind you, ANY CAR) on campus it will zap me and the meter maids will yell "YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE!" This "certified letter" says if they find my car on campus it will get impounded and I'll get a $300 citation AND they forward my traffic records to the honor code office.

Seriously? This letter is killing me. Why are you so uptight about this when THE PARKING PASSES ARE FREE? What's the point of enforcing this with such ridiculous language? Look me up. I'm a student. I can park there. Everyone relax.

Also, I hate the word "permanent" almost as much as I hate the word "mandatory." Sometimes in law school they think if they add the word "mandatory" to something, it's like a weapon of intimidation. Nothing's ever really mandatory, and nothing's ever permanent. Quit pretending you're the sheriff of the world.

I also love that it says this "PERMANENT BAN" includes (this is a direct quote): "Weekends, Holidays, Sunday's, etc... All are included in the parking ban." How come weekend and holiday are plural and Sunday is possessive? Does Sunday have something that belongs to it that I can't use? "DON'T PARK HERE EVER OR ON ANYTHING THAT BELONGS TO THE SABBATH." Here's an idea. You let me park one more freaking day, and in return, I'll help you fix embarrassing mistake's on your certified letter's you send out.

It gets better.

"Your ban is permanent and remains in effect unless the Parking Services Office notifies you otherwise in writing." BAHAHA! Like, in 2029, I'll have to say "Sorry guys, let's drive the long way...can't drive through campus. It's forbidden. I have a record."

I just keep looking at it and laughing. A PERMANENT BAN? This could be one of my favorite mail pieces ever. Well, either this or the wedding announcement printed on a photo of the couple riding horses and kissing, so their names were superimposed over a horse's ass.

Anyway, the only time I have to go to the law school ever again is Tuesday for a final. What should I do? Take the bus? Risk eternal damnation by violating the PERMANENT BAN? Borrow someone else's car? Wear a disguise? Park in visitor parking and act natural?

Guide me, internet, guide me.


AzĂșcar said...


I, too, was PERMANENTLY banned from driving on campus for having too many tickets. Seriously, I paid them all, I didn't want to bother, just like you. It was a seven year ban, if that helps at all. They attach the ban to the license plate number.

And when I bought a new car, I got a call one day, "Hi, Azucar, this is the Traffic Office. Your father called and let us know that you have a new car and we should update our records to continue the ban."


SO said...

If I see you driving over there I'm telling.

You better hope that your child doesn't go to high school around here. Because if they do you won't be allowed to go to their graduation.

What about Women's Conference? Or Education Week or, or, or.... (I'm ASSuming this is the Y we are talking about because of the "honor code office".

That is letter is just crazy. And so is that school. Get a ride or drive a different car. Don't make me report you to the honor code police.

Erin said...

we just better hope they don't forward this on to the honor code office.

i loved all of the "mandatory" meetings in law school. didn't it just make you want to go even less?

The Boob Nazi said...

hahahaha this happened to my best friend. She did drive up there but didn't park after that. She never got in trouble for driving around, but don't take my word for it!

Kim said...

This is hysterically funny. I'm reminded of the time I never bothered to get my University of Utah parking pass (cost: $1, folks) and I racked up $45 in parking tickets. On the last one was a warning that if I were to park illegally "ONE MORE TIME" they reserved the right to tow/boot my car. I love the line "one more time." I was like, "Hang on, is someone's mom working for Commuter Services now?"

callie said...

kathleen, darling, would you believe me if I said this happened to me too? Except I made An appointment to protest and someone 21 told me they "didn't want irresponsible students like me on campus." I had to park up by the Y my whole third year and hike to school! You are not alone! But at least you're almost done with this ridiculousness! Good luck sneaking into school next week.

La Yen said...

You KNOW that there is some crabby RM just WAITING for your car. Because he got a brief in his office. Because COUGARS DON'T CUT CORNERS. And he has been polishing his boot all week.

I say you get a ride, and then get really passive-aggressive when they call you for alumni donations next year: "I would love to send some money, but I am banned from driving on or near campus or the Sabbath."

Kamie said...

What is it with parking people having sticks up their bums? The parking company at work freaks out if you park on the wrong level, park in a certain level too long, drive more than 5 MILES AN HOUR while in their parking structure. The latest and greatest though is they are now prohibiting you from backing into your stall. WHY? Who the H cares? I think police rejects end up being parking people and taking it out on the rest of us.

megandjon said...

you know how people type "lol" but they really just chuckled or something? yeah, i was really laughing out loud. the. whole. post. my hub kept popping his head around the corner and going, "what?". byu is crazy and that's all there is to it.

also, when you said you should just park and "act natural", you totally made me think of Ashley. Did she get that from you or did you get that from her?

i vote for the disguise. you should disguise yourself as tina fey or sarah palin. ha ha.

NIKOL said...

The "Sunday's" is my favorite part. You should send them the letter back with the traditional red pen treatment adored by English Professors the world over.

Hi, by the way. I'm a random internet stranger who was referred over here by Google Reader. I've been following your blog for a while and decided it was time to start commenting once in a while.

Mrs. Clark said...

I am embarrassed for my alma mater. But funnier still is the listing of "crimes" the campus police have on the Internet. One time this included kids dropping eggs on cars from the overpass between the law school and the Wilkinson Center.

Just trade license plates with someone, park as usual, pay the fine and go on your merry way.And I am all for red-penning the letter and sending it back.

Josh, Janae, and Ainslie said...

Sorry to hear that you're no longer allowed to drive on campus. That's quite the graduation present from the university.

I'd offer you our parking-privileged car, but I'm worried about accomplice liability issues. If the honor code office found out . . .

Jared and Laurel said...

I am DYING laughing over this, possibly the greatest post you have ever had on your blog. However, it is also giving me some rage. Especially because so many people have said this has happened to them...WHAT?!? I cannot believe it. In a way, I wish I had been so brave.
I'm pretty sure you should do the passive-aggressive thing when they call you for donations next year (and every year after is PERMANENT).
But you know what I'm surprised about? They didn't have an out-of-context scripture or prophet quoted in that letter. That's the usual way they go about silliness there (trust me)...please tell me they weren't so desperate as to forget that?

Amber Brown said...

I was drawn to your blog from a comment somewhere and when I read that you had a baby during law school I had to keep reading because I was pregnant (oops...) and in the middle of my second year. And NOW apparently we have something else in common. BYU PARKING DRAMA!!!Ridiculous! As an undergrad I got too many tickets, got the telltale letter about not being able to park, drive in anyone's car, etc anywhere on the property, except in my case it was appealable in 6 months. So 6 months later I went down to the parking office and was scolded by elderly volunteers about how I was keeping students from turning in papers and keeping professors from teaching via my unlawful parking. They made me cry. I got the parking privileges reinstated and then parked one little time in 30 min parking for an hour and of course got a ticket. Awhile later ANOTHER awesome letter came saying I was permanently banned. Given that I like to live on the edge I parked somewhere on campus like 6 months later for like 7 minutes and was impounded by a couple of morons driving a golf cart. I paid the $200, did an internship far far away from campus, and then graduated. I was at the law school last October for the JRCLS leadership conference (5 years later as it were). I parked a rental in the visitor lot. I'm surprise they didn't recognize my face, pummel me with a firehouse, and permanently revoke my temple recommend.