gurrbonzo: April 2011

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

four funnies

Ready, set, GO!

First, this is the best, best, best homemade playdough in the universe and I have been enjoying it for ages and shan't keep it from you any longer. The texture! The ease of both creation and clean up! Take a little pot and warm up half a cup of salt and 1 cup of water on the stove (just on low is fine). Add in a tablespoon of vegetable oil, a tablespoon of cream of tarter, and whatever food coloring you want. Stir it for like 20 seconds, just til it's mixed up and warm, then stir in a cup or two of flour, smoosh it up, and as soon as it cools down, behold the joy of your child(ren).

Second, are you watching America's Next Great Restaurant? We are and I'm loving it. The behind-the-scenes (design a logo! figure out a menu! pick your furniture! present your brains out!) reminds me of how much I would LOVE to run a restaurant one day. Is this one of those things everyone wants to do? I don't mean be a big deal chef. I mean, own a delicious sammich place like Palmers Deli. I think this interest stems from how much fun I had being the drive thru chick at a certain taco place in the 90s and later waiting tables; there's a unique rush that comes from a busy restaurant. Also, I like being in charge of things, and shouting, and that's what restaurant owners do, right? Combining that rush with my natural bossy streak sounds ideal. Soooo, add this to the long list of things I want to do that I start thinking about because of reality television. The next time I have a hundred thousand dollars laying around, I'm totally doing it. (Starting a restaurant, not going on reality tv.) Maybe you can be my chef! Or advisor! Or shift manager! Whatever you want.

Third, I think congratulations-fatigue is a real phenomenon. If you're having a kid, that is a big deal, but you don't get five hundred separate congratulations. I think law school congratulations should max out earlier too. Instead, we beg for perpetual congrats. "I can't believe I'm PREGNANT!" "CAN YOU BELIEVE I'M 8 WEEKS!" "Its.....a.....GUESS THE GENDER!" "IT'S MY BABY SHOWER!" "LOOK AT MEEE! HALFWAY!!! "I FINISHED MY BIRTHING CLASS!" "GOING INTO LABOR!" "FULLY DILATED!" "BABY EMERGING!" "BABY'S HERE!" WE FINALLY PICKED A NAME!" "WE BLESSED OUR BABY!" Reproduction is great, but one big "Way to go!" is enough of a congratulations for one thing. Agree or disagree? Similarly, I think us lawyers need to relax. We want congratulations for getting in, congratulations for starting, congratulations for finishing finals, congratulations on grades, congratulations on being halfway through, congratulations on finishing, congratulations on ACTUAL graduation, congrats on studying for the bar, congrats on taking the bar, and then congrats on passing the bar, and nine hundred thousand mini-milestones in between. THAT IS FAR TOO MANY TIMES TO EXPECT CONGRATULATIONS. The only people who still care are your spouse and maybe your mom but trust me, even they have their limits. Do other fields do that too? YIKES. I propose that we cap social congratulations at one. As in, you get one large and hearty pat on the back per thing. You graduated? CONGRATULATIONS. You have now reached your congratulatory quota. You reproduced? CONGRATULATIONS. You have now reached your congratulatory quota. Who's with me?

Finally, I'm NOT a runner but I ran a 10K for the first time this past weekend. (No congratulations needed, although if you choose to give me one, you don't have to again for anything running related, because, ONE CONGRATULATIONS PER THING.) Who knew it was possible for me?? It was surprisingly fun, and it's making me wonder what else I've always considered "not my thing" so never tried, but if I tried, maybe I'd like it. Got any suggestions?

Quotable Quotes, or, tidbits from me life.

My professor, about people having their babies at home: Home delivery is for pizza.

Me, about Prof: I LIKE his wavelength; I'm just not on it.

Student: I don't think so.
(long pause).
Prof: No, you DO think so.

"I wish I had the opportunity to HAVE a sexual quality of life." -- student responding to survey

"I should cut up my credit cards.
(long pause)
Of course, then I would starve." -- Student

"Are you getting a manicure in my courtroom? What the hell are you doing?" Judge/Prof, to student clipping nails

"He covered everything but his 1990 colonoscopy. Good example of a bad speech. Everyone wants to go home, so unless you're awfully funny, keep it brief." -- Prof

"I'm not opposed to playing games. If you want to play solitaire, bring a deck of cards." -- Prof

"If you want to spend time with your young children, you have to do it when they're young." -- Chief Justice Roberts

Student: That doesn't jive very well with the second article of faith, punishing people for their parents' transgressions.
Prof: Yes, oh holy one.

"For expert witnesses, there are 2 requirements: must have gray hair, and must have hemorrhoids to convey the proper level of concern." -- Prof

"I represented a prostitute, and some of her activities were highly aerobic." -- Prof

"I lock my car. Do you know why? Because I have contraband." - - Prof

"You can either finish law school and write patents at home 1 hour a day, while your little one scribbles on the walls with permanent marker, or you can strap your baby to your back and wash floors with a dirty mop in the early morning and late evening. You decide." --Friend, telling me not to quit

"The children of lawyers who don't read footnotes will STARVE." -- Prof

"You know what’s great about a new day? It’s a new day, full of new opportunities for rejection. I mean, WHO KNOWS who might reject me today?” -- Student, about the job hunt.

"Every time I read an opinion by Justice Breyer, I think of ice cream, and then I want some." -- Student

"I don't want a job. I want a life plan. I need direction!" -- Student.

"They met at a Communist party get together. Not exactly the wardhouse, but still pretty romantic." -- Prof

"He thought he might be the father, because they had sort of an intimate relationship...well, not sort of." -- Prof

"The federal government appreciates love. They understand it." -- Prof

"You never tell your clients to lie. That's unethical. You say, 'Well, here is a potential, credible story that we hope is true.'" -- Prof

"When you get caught speeding, don't say 'I'm sorry.' Say, 'IF I was speeding, I am sorry.' ADMIT NOTHING." -- Prof

"It's true. You can google it on the Internet." -- Prof

"Let me give you a hypothetical. Jesus goes to law school, graduates, what does He do? Criminal prosecution or defense? That's right, he's defending these monsters. He's a defense attorney. That's my gospel insight for the day." -- Prof.

"This is my job. I'm just trying to do my job, and you're giving me a hard time. I don't give you a hard time with your job. I just order my burger and fries." -- Prof to smart alecky student

"It's just one more way he's found to shame me."
--Student, about Prof

"In a couple of days, you're going to wish this distinction didn't exist." --Prof

"I can't concentrate when it's snowing, dammit."
--Student, when asked a question in class

Prof: "And what did the court say about that?"
Student: "They didn't mention it."
(awkward pause)
Prof: "Actually, it's italicized. Hahaha!"

"Punitive damages are un-freaking-predictable, but it's the consumer's way of saying 'corporate America, you can't screw me over.'" -- Prof

"I'd like to reward attendance and good preparation, but it's a crapshoot, after all." --Prof, explaining grading policy

"I don't know if any of you have neighbors with vicious boars, but if you do, you should probably move." --Prof

Student A: The thing speaks for itself, don't you think?
Student B: Then I want to know what the hell it's saying.

Student: I would think so.
Prof: You would THINK so???
(awkward pause)
Student: But I would obviously be wrong.

"My wife tells me it's harder to actually give birth than to encourage someone to give birth." -- Prof

Student: I give up.
Prof: Actually, only I get to decide when you give up.

"I think most people who work for the government are lazy, because I've been to the post office." -- Student

"I made the mistake of going out to lunch. I've seen the sun. I've tasted freedom." -- Student

"Imaginable in a common sense sort of way, not imaginable in a science fiction sort of way." -- Prof

Prof: Ready? You've had 19 minutes to think about this.
Student: I know. I advanced a level on Warcraft.

"I know you hate me, because I made you read pages we didn't get to. I hate me too." -- Prof

"Don't go there. We have a chart on that that's gonna give you a rash." -- Prof

Prof: Passover is coming! Have you been thinking about it?
Student: No, Ive been busy preparing food for it all week.
Prof: Your excuse fails, because the law requires the lamb to be boiled not roasted, so it must be done quickly. Your excuse fails like the little boy who lost his CTR ring."

Student: Can you clarify consequential and incidental damages in this case? It's a little fuzzy.
Prof: Let's just not.

Prof: Now, I want to go back to this student, because he's the one that said thou shalt not kill.
Student: Well, God said that, I quoted it.

"An accumulation of bad choices will make you into a bad lawyer and therefore a bad person." -- Prof