gurrbonzo: April 2013

Thursday, April 25, 2013

whoooooop!

The next time I want to throw a My Little Pony party for a couple dozen 5-year-olds the same weekend as I end up in charge of the ward talent show/dessert auction camp fundraiser and going to a 5k in the next town over for work and we have a board meeting and I'm teaching the Sunday lesson in YW, and a buddy is driving across the country and decides to pop in overnight with her husband, and I have a two-month-old, I need you to talk me down. Got it? Because last weekend ran me over like a truck! Whew!

"CHAOS IS HEALTHY!" is my new mantra, which I say at least thrice a day to kind-hearted strangers who tell me "Oh, sweetheart, you've got your hands full!" Truly, "chaos is healthy" is the name of the game lately and it may end up tattooed on my rump if this continues.

I had a kid in February and he is a dream. Oddly enough, all three of our kids were due on a Thursday and born on the following Tuesday. Weird, right? This little cutie has two big sisters a couple inches from his face most of the day and it is unbearably sweet. So far he has been our most mellow baby by a mile (or are we just less uptight?). Regardless, I love him.

Some of my very favorite friends are moving in the next few weeks and it's giving me the bummers. I realize that when you live in a college town with a big fat university hospital, chances are that most people our age-ish and stage-ish are just passing through, and I also realize that I'm 30 years old and need to suck it up, but, WAAAAA!

I should have guarded my maternity leave more closely; I ended up doing more work earlier than I should have; that whole real, regular life thing is SNEAKY and creeps up so fast when you're trying to soak up the newborn magic. Learn from me, internet, and guard your baby time!

I read Lean In and wish everyone would get off Sheryl Sandberg's back. It seems like no one who is ragging on her HAS ACTUALLY READ HER BOOK.

Can't believe I have a FIVE-YEAR-OLD! Wasn't she born just last week?? Alas, she has all these friends and opinions and is pumped for kindergarten. I can't wait to see who this chick turns into because she is so sharp and thoughtful and determined. Speaking of determined, my wise friend Jennifer reminded me to go easy on our three-year-old because "you just created a middle child!" and oh how I'm trying to. Will she stop peeing her pants soon though? Because SHEESH.

I am working on simplifying the heck out of my current scene since I am wound up all the time lately with my mind a-racing and it turns out perma-mega-high-alert is a crappy way to function! And I know, you're probably thinking, seriously, you're simplifying but you couldn't put someone else in charge of the talent show?? Welp, believe me, I tried. My delegation efforts were sabotaged when the woman who was supposed to be in charge ended up going to "dental prom" instead (yes, that's a thing). Know what else was sabotaged? Dinner. My go-to recipe book that never lets me down is apparently not quiiiite as foolproof as I'd hoped since my pizza crust yesterday came out looking like giant garlicky discs of giraffe dandruff.

That's what's new around here! You holding up okay?

Quotable Quotes, or, tidbits from me life.

My professor, about people having their babies at home: Home delivery is for pizza.

Me, about Prof: I LIKE his wavelength; I'm just not on it.

Student: I don't think so.
(long pause).
Prof: No, you DO think so.

"I wish I had the opportunity to HAVE a sexual quality of life." -- student responding to survey

"I should cut up my credit cards.
(long pause)
Of course, then I would starve." -- Student

"Are you getting a manicure in my courtroom? What the hell are you doing?" Judge/Prof, to student clipping nails

"He covered everything but his 1990 colonoscopy. Good example of a bad speech. Everyone wants to go home, so unless you're awfully funny, keep it brief." -- Prof

"I'm not opposed to playing games. If you want to play solitaire, bring a deck of cards." -- Prof

"If you want to spend time with your young children, you have to do it when they're young." -- Chief Justice Roberts

Student: That doesn't jive very well with the second article of faith, punishing people for their parents' transgressions.
Prof: Yes, oh holy one.

"For expert witnesses, there are 2 requirements: must have gray hair, and must have hemorrhoids to convey the proper level of concern." -- Prof

"I represented a prostitute, and some of her activities were highly aerobic." -- Prof

"I lock my car. Do you know why? Because I have contraband." - - Prof

"You can either finish law school and write patents at home 1 hour a day, while your little one scribbles on the walls with permanent marker, or you can strap your baby to your back and wash floors with a dirty mop in the early morning and late evening. You decide." --Friend, telling me not to quit

"The children of lawyers who don't read footnotes will STARVE." -- Prof

"You know what’s great about a new day? It’s a new day, full of new opportunities for rejection. I mean, WHO KNOWS who might reject me today?” -- Student, about the job hunt.

"Every time I read an opinion by Justice Breyer, I think of ice cream, and then I want some." -- Student

"I don't want a job. I want a life plan. I need direction!" -- Student.

"They met at a Communist party get together. Not exactly the wardhouse, but still pretty romantic." -- Prof

"He thought he might be the father, because they had sort of an intimate relationship...well, not sort of." -- Prof

"The federal government appreciates love. They understand it." -- Prof

"You never tell your clients to lie. That's unethical. You say, 'Well, here is a potential, credible story that we hope is true.'" -- Prof

"When you get caught speeding, don't say 'I'm sorry.' Say, 'IF I was speeding, I am sorry.' ADMIT NOTHING." -- Prof

"It's true. You can google it on the Internet." -- Prof

"Let me give you a hypothetical. Jesus goes to law school, graduates, what does He do? Criminal prosecution or defense? That's right, he's defending these monsters. He's a defense attorney. That's my gospel insight for the day." -- Prof.

"This is my job. I'm just trying to do my job, and you're giving me a hard time. I don't give you a hard time with your job. I just order my burger and fries." -- Prof to smart alecky student

"It's just one more way he's found to shame me."
--Student, about Prof

"In a couple of days, you're going to wish this distinction didn't exist." --Prof

"I can't concentrate when it's snowing, dammit."
--Student, when asked a question in class

Prof: "And what did the court say about that?"
Student: "They didn't mention it."
(awkward pause)
Prof: "Actually, it's italicized. Hahaha!"

"Punitive damages are un-freaking-predictable, but it's the consumer's way of saying 'corporate America, you can't screw me over.'" -- Prof

"I'd like to reward attendance and good preparation, but it's a crapshoot, after all." --Prof, explaining grading policy

"I don't know if any of you have neighbors with vicious boars, but if you do, you should probably move." --Prof

Student A: The thing speaks for itself, don't you think?
Student B: Then I want to know what the hell it's saying.

Student: I would think so.
Prof: You would THINK so???
(awkward pause)
Student: But I would obviously be wrong.

"My wife tells me it's harder to actually give birth than to encourage someone to give birth." -- Prof

Student: I give up.
Prof: Actually, only I get to decide when you give up.

"I think most people who work for the government are lazy, because I've been to the post office." -- Student

"I made the mistake of going out to lunch. I've seen the sun. I've tasted freedom." -- Student

"Imaginable in a common sense sort of way, not imaginable in a science fiction sort of way." -- Prof

Prof: Ready? You've had 19 minutes to think about this.
Student: I know. I advanced a level on Warcraft.

"I know you hate me, because I made you read pages we didn't get to. I hate me too." -- Prof

"Don't go there. We have a chart on that that's gonna give you a rash." -- Prof

Prof: Passover is coming! Have you been thinking about it?
Student: No, Ive been busy preparing food for it all week.
Prof: Your excuse fails, because the law requires the lamb to be boiled not roasted, so it must be done quickly. Your excuse fails like the little boy who lost his CTR ring."

Student: Can you clarify consequential and incidental damages in this case? It's a little fuzzy.
Prof: Let's just not.

Prof: Now, I want to go back to this student, because he's the one that said thou shalt not kill.
Student: Well, God said that, I quoted it.

"An accumulation of bad choices will make you into a bad lawyer and therefore a bad person." -- Prof