Friday, March 12, 2010

"let's make the most of this beautiful day..."

The scene: fifteen minutes ago, at my house.

I had just hauled one angry baby in a carseat into the house with one hand and finished dragging a singing toddler in with the other when I saw a really skinny, kind of crazy looking guy in his twenties walk up our driveway. He knocked on the door, and I opened it to see a dark beanie pulled down low over twitchy eyes; he had funky teeth but a big bright smile.

We then had the following exchange:

Me: Hi.

Guy: Hi! I just moved in and wanted to introduce myself. I'm Jake*. (*not his real name)

Me: Hi, Jake. I'm Gurrbonzo.

(he sticks out his hand, so I shake it)

(long, awkward silence while my kids scream and sing in the background)

Me, over the crying and singing: Well, welcome to the neighborhood. My kids are a little worked up so I'd better go, but nice to meet you.

Guy, like I didn't say anything, and like he was finally getting to the point of the conversation: What do you like to read?

Me, a little surprised: Um, lots of stuff. What do YOU like to read?

Guy: Magazines. Every kind of magazine. (big pause) Do you have any old ones I can have?

Me, wondering what the crap is going on: You know, we just recycled a bunch, but we get Newsweek and The Atlantic, so you can have those next time if you want.

(He crinkles his nose like I just offered him a diaper for dinner.)

Guy: I don't like Newsweek.

Me: Okay. What do you like?

Guy: Everything but Newsweek.

Me: Okay. Like what?

Guy: Glamour. Do you have any Glamours?

Me: Nope.

Guy: Kay, bye.



Ru said...

I'm going with meth-head. He wants to sniff the perfume ads when he's tweaking. Or mix them in with his delicious meth.

(K, not a serious suggestion. I know no one wants to think of meth-heads living in close proximity to their families. Real guess? Just a weirdo. But less fun to speculate that way.)

Fabulous post title, by the way.

Brooke said...


Maybe he was just looking for some soft porn? Kudos to him for avoiding the hard stuff, I guess?

That or he really likes women's purses. The murse is definitely becoming more fashionable. Or maybe he's an aspiring stay-at-home dad and wants to bond with the neighbors over fashion magazines so he feels like he's part of the "in crowd."

Still weird.

AzĂșcar said...

He wants 500 ways to make his man scream?

Kamie said...

Uhhh...I would like to discuss the fact that you answered the door to a crazy man with twitchy eyes. Maybe there aren't any murderous psychopaths in Iowa?

ebv said...

Buy mace. Keep it by the front door. You'll thank me.

Sara said...

Your life is amazing.

La Yen said...

Sounds like the neighborly thing to do is subscribe to Glamour. And maybe Tiger Beat. Because he just doesn't like Newsweek.

The Boob Nazi said...

That is so odd.

I had to take my nephew and niece to the grocery store the other day by myself. And I have a newfound appreciation of mothers of more than one. THAT IS SO DIFFICULT. Way to go.

Deanna said...

Ha ha! Glamour. It made me think of Seinfeld when George got turned on at his mom's house to a Glamour mag... and Jerry said (NY accent and all) Glamour?!? Really?!? I think I would be more disturbed than I can say if you actually had a stash of Glamour magazines. He probably had a collage due for his Hooter's class. Love your title.

Mrs. Clark said...

I'm goin' with the mace by the front door.

Shayla said...

I thought for sure the whole exchange was leading up to a sales pitch for magazine subscriptions.
But then he just left?
That is just bizarre.

KT said...

Can I move into your neighborhood?

Just SO said...

My question is why don't you have Glamour in your home? ;) That really is bizarre. And I'm going to go with Azucar's answer. That's why he wanted it.

Liz said...

I can't believe you don't subscribe to Glamour.

Holly C M said...

I'm laughing, but, I'm kinda scared too. Ooh, yucky!

Joyce said...

I just "next blog"ed and came to this. It cracked me up! I took a moment to read a few of your entries and really enjoyed them. Good luck with everything! My 2nd just turned 1 last week. It is an adventure. :)