Tuesday, April 06, 2010

i can't e-shut up lately

  • For Easter celebrating, I bought myself a chocolate bunny at the dollar store but can't bring myself to eat it now that I've noticed it's "milk chocolate flavored." Flavored. It's not even milk chocolate. Flavored WHAT--wax?? Shudder. Oh, Dollar Store, simultaneously so disgusting and so handy.
  • Lesbian moms are friendlier than non-lesbian moms. Every time I go to the park or other public place where parents abound, I find this to be true. Why is this?
  • "Fan us on facebook" is an absurd and horrible phrase. How is this becoming common? Sounds like Cleopatra eating grapes while someone fans her with large leaves. BEING a fan of something is not the same as FANNING something. Normally I don't mind verbing nouns but this fanning business is a line I cannot cross and hope to maintain any linguistic integrity.
  • I distrust anyone with over 1,000 facebook friends. Something is fishy. If you have more than that, you're either fictional or you need to have a friend cleanse, because that is weird and overwhelming.
  • Speaking of things that make me suspicious...I also distrust people who mention their clothing size in conversation, people who compare stuff to Hitler, people who take a lot of pictures of themselves, and people who never eat dessert. How about you?? Anything that immediately makes you suspicious?
  • Conversely, I find myself immediately feeling more favorable toward those who don't mind dropping the occasional casual swearword, people who are nice to my children (even in passing, e.g., the stranger who smiles when my kid shouts "HI, BIKE!"), people who have uncomplicated hairdos, and people who appreciate a good fountain drink. How about you? Anything that immediately makes you feel good about someone?
Thank you for your time.


Lindsay said...

Chocolate flavoring is the worst. Even worse than "frozen dairy dessert" rather than ice cream. I distrust stuff that masquerades as simple stuff.

Thanks for several laughs today.

Katie said...

I am going to copy/paste your 4th and 5th bullet points and put them on my status on facebook. (Is that cool?) With props to you of course! Cause they are SO hilarious and true, and I know one person in particular who does ALL these things who gets on my last nerve...maybe this can be my passive aggressive way of letting them know they are annoying! HAHA But the thing is...I can't "un-friend" them cause they're in my family.

La Yen said...

The first time my husband made someone salute him I was horrified and asked him "Who do you think you are? Hitler?!"

I have mellowed out since receiving money from Army. Now I WANT people to salute him. I'm power hungry over it.

And one time Jooj asked a man wearing an eye patch if he was a pirate. And he was super cool about it. It made me happy that he was understanding. Because, come on, he was publicly wearing an eye patch.

Mhana said...

I get a weird vibe from people who bring up their alma mater or degree. There are rare occasions when it is appropriate (like "where did you go to school?") but generally it makes me uncomfortable. Its pretentious and I'm rarely impressed. Yet on the flip side I find myself awkwardly trying to conceal that I'm in graduate school so I don't come across as pretentious. And then I just brought up right now that I'm in grad school.

I am drawn to people who read on the bus, especially if it is not apparently school work.

Kim said...

Ha! I'm a teacher and get really excited when I find out one of my new students has lesbian mom(s). They are friendly and are super-helpful Class Moms.

I really hate to attach stereotypes to people (snort) but I've been through five sets of gay moms and they've all been fantastic!

lbb said...

Hi cute kathleen! I stumbled upon your blog thru someone else's and ta-da! You're hilarious and I so relate to so much you're puttin' down on the old inter-net!!
How the heck is IOWA?! Freezing still? Seattle's great. We love it, but there's def some getting used to...i.e. no hus/new peeps/etc.
I can tell one day we'll be bff's, k? whether you want to or not...all your suspicions line up with mine, that's fo sure! oh one thing i'll add, is when someone went to a prestigious school like harvard and you ask where they went to school and they say "in boston"...or "back east". It's like they KNOW how cool it is and they are fake-humble. hate that.
Keep in touch!
Love, Liz
PS! CONGRATS ON the new babe! (saw on the fb...aren't we impersonal?!?)

lbb said...

Oh, and there are TONS of lesbian moms here in Seattle. We're bffs. I see them more than my own hubby. Uh oh?

Erin said...

maybe lesbian moms are nicer to other moms at the park, but todd has found them to be quite frosty and suspicious when he stumbles upon them while taking joseph to the park. true.

Matt Conlon said...

I'm not sure I'd call it mistrust, but I tend to steer clear of folks who always have a complaint, but never have a solution. Especially when their complaints are about their own circumstances, yet they do nothing to change them. People just looking for a reason to whine.

Liz said...

Milk chocolate FLAVOR? That scares me.

I distrust people who facebook or blog about their vacations while they are on them, like, "HEY, look! I'm in Egypt! How cool am I?!?!" I also distrust people who use too many exclamation points.

I think the number of Facebook friends you have should be proportionate to the number of friends you have in real life. So someone with 1,000 facebook friends should have at least 100 friends with whom they hang out on a regular basis. (and let's be honest, is that really possible?)

Brooke said...

I'm with you on the occasional swear word thing.

I am almost immediately skeptical anyone who has sold security systems/pest control/whatever over the summer and says they loved it or talks about how successful they were at it. Whatever.

I love people who call you "honey" and "sweetheart" and anyone who loves cheese.

Just SO said...

Does the dropping of clothing sizes bother you if it's in the double digits with a W followed by said digits???

And I love me a good fountain drink...of the 64 ounce variety. (And don't tell my mom but I've been know to drop a swear word here and there.)

Stephanie said...

i am suspicious of people who do not like hamburgers. who doesn't like hamburgers? even vegetarians can have a veggie burger.

i don't know why, but i am intensely passionate about this.

i like people who like good food.

Ru said...

I am suspicious of anyone who claims not to like TV. I am convinced that this means they are either pretentious, lying, or unimaginative and can't engage in fictional storylines.

Amy said...

Ah #%@#! I was doing so good until you mentioned the taking lots of pictures of yourself and dropping the occasional casual swearword. I tried to type a swearword into this comment, but couldn't even bring myself to do that, how lame, right?

I am suspicious of people who are too churchy. And of people who say no to cookies. I immediately feel good about people who are open about their lives.

Motion DeSmiths said...

I am predisposed to like people with big dogs (unless they have not spayed or neutered them).

Along those lines, I don't think I could be close friends with anyone who actively disliked Arrested Development.

I am suspicious of people who go out of their way to express dislike for something you are talking about and/or serving as dinner.

Your list of things that make you suspicious describe a certain 2L to a T. Just one suspicious trait and my eyes narrow, but she's got them all so she makes my eyes narrow rapidly which = an eye-twitch.

Paul W. Nash said...

I imagine lesbian moms are nice to you because they think you are hot.

Anonymous said...

Paul W. Nash might be on to something. I automatically distrust people who, in their first conversation with you, make a point to mention their occupation or husband's occupation that are usually reference driven (ie mortgage broker, real estate agent, insurance salesman, real estate appraiser). I automatically question their motives for talking to me.

alex dumas said...

1. Don't buy "chocolate" at the dollar store.
2. Do maintain your linguistic integrity. I support you.
3. People with thousands of Facebook friends are often playing Facebook games, and need friends to advance in such games, and their real friends don't want to play. So I hear.
4. I am suspicious of lesbian moms being friendly. ;) And attracted to redheads who make me laugh. ;) ;)

teachergirl said...

i distrust people who look at me for too long, especially guys. i think it's because i was fat for a really long time, but i always assume that people are laughing at/talking about me. that is both sad and super vain at the same time, and i dig it about myself. i also distrust people who do not profusely sweat while working out. something's wrong with them, and i will not be made to feel a freak for my soppy state. i was running, dangit! i also am judge-y of people who bring bought cookies to baked goods events. if someone asks you to bring baked goods, they mean BAKE the baked goods. don't act like the cookies are better. they're not. this is not applicable to mothers of multiple children under the age of 5. for them, they get credit for even remembering to bring anything, and i want to hold their babies.

i immediately love people who drop an allusion to a good book/tv show in a nonpretentious way, i.e. name their pet after boo radley or say something like "annoy, tiny blonde one. annoy like the wind!" any buffy reference will get me too.

good grief this is long. yeesh. sorry.

Mrs. Clark said...

Loved the comments! I agree that the lesbian moms think you're hot. And I hate making nouns into verbs--such as "medaling" at the Olympics. Nails on a chalkboard are more welcome. And give me a good fountain diet Coke any day. And Godiva has a program where if you give them your email address, you can get a free chocolate once a month. Much, much better than the dollar store. Life is too short to eat fake chocolate.

katie m said...

Well, since you brought it up, I'm sure suspicious of people who announce on facebook the following:

"I just signed up for a half-marathon in August!".. what do you want, the medal already?

"This is JUST for my PERSONAL recording and journaling purposes: I am finally back down to my pre-delivery weight after 8 long weeks of breastfeeding"

"The OBGYN said that my baby couldn't possibly be more than 7 lbs because of my tight abs and tiny hips!!LOL! OMG!"

"8 hour of cervidil down, possibly 4 more. my body seems to be handling it well...regular contractions are painful. just had 1st dose of pain meds...much better! now, back 2 sleep."

That's it. Can you tell I needed to e-vent from facebook annoyances??


PS I hearted this post.

megandjon said...

I have to say that i seriously second the people who take scads of pictures of themselves, especially when they are changing their little facebook picture all the time. Ugh.

In a similar facebook vein, the stupid games drive me crazy and i lose just a little bit of esteem for the people who are always posting hearts or farm implements and whatnots. i recently just figured out how to just look at status updates so i can stop cringing at my friends, tee hee.

Also, if you are overly matchy and accesorized and trendy, especially if you have small children, i immediately feel skeptical if we can really be friends. i have been known to change my mind on that one, but i'm afraid it is my first impression. Even worse if your hair is too perfect.

Booher Blogs said...

Since there is a facebook theme running, I don't trust people who post how much they love their spouse (the more frequent, the more imminent divorce seems).

And people who are on facebook but type like they are texting. Really, you don't have time to type out the actual word? Really?

I like people who hold the door for other people at the gym/post office.

Also, I like the grocery store clerks who take all of my coupons without complaining or stopping to read the fine print on each one.

Deanna said...

Fake chocolate... bah. I had Finnish chocolate on my mission (sent by my boyfriend at the time) and it was better than kissing (well, at the time, and perhaps that's why I didn't marry him).

I completely agree about lesbians and occasional casual swearing. My favorite lesbian on the planet (my best friend and fave mish comp who, if I were a lesbian might have been my wife) pointed out to me that the word "gel" is pronounced "hell" in Spanish, which prompted phrases like "Donde el gel estamos?" or "Where the gel are we?" Worlds collide.

I get really bugged when I let someone go in front of me in traffic and they don't wave or acknowledge it. I mean, how hard is it to just wave. I didn't HAVE to let you go in front of me. I also hate it when I'm stuck in traffic due to a lane closure and I try to do the right thing and stay in my lane and some chucklehead decides to drive all the way to the front and cut me off. Rude. So entitled.

I love hearing that other Mormons love diet coke as much as I do. It makes me feel an instant bond. I love real women. As I'm watching my haircolor grow out and silver locks take its place, I love to see women (especially younger women) own their gray.

And to make this the longest comment in history, I am not usually a fan of Southpark, but we watched it last night and it was all about FB and all the quirky things you mentioned. I laughed quite hard and highly recommend watching it if you get the chance. "Poke your grandma, Kyle!"

Andrew said...

I distrust anyone who uses the phrase "Obamacare." That immediately tells me that that person has nothing of value to say - at least about politics.

I distrust any man who wears jeans that are a) artificially distressed; b) have flaps on the back pockets; c) have more extensive stitching on the back pockets than a pair of Levis or Lucky Jeans.

Those are my main red flags these days.


Just stumbled across your blog. Great post. Very funny.

James McOmber said...

Need I justify my number of facebook friends? I changed schools a lot and made friends easily. It's really not very weird.