Tuesday, December 09, 2008

argh blech grrr and so forth

My last semester of college, I took a tele-course for some stupid art history requirement and when I say "took" I mean signed up for. No offense to Austrialian Megs the art history master, but this class was dumb. At least, I think it was, though how the freak do I know bc I never went.

It was one of those courses you supposedly watch on TV but (shocking, I know) I never did. Ever. It was on public television at something ridiculous like 10 PM on Fridays, and we didn't even have channels at our apartment (seriously...we had a TV but just for movies, make sense?). You could check videos out from the library which I always planned on doing to catch up but it just never happened. I'm a pretty good student most of the time but this was a glaring exception and you know how the less you do, the less you want to do? Yep. So, when I got an email telling me it was time for the open-book midterm I figured, "Uh oh, better pull something out." I hadn't thought AT ALL about the class...in fact, I didn't even own the book. The morning of the midterm, I went to the library thinking I'd check the book out and fake it.

Of course, the book was checked out.

I scurried to the bookstore to buy it (20 minutes before the exam) and OF COURSE, they don't have it. So what do I do? Why, what any self-respecting BSer would do...I show up to take the open book exam sans book and WITHOUT ONE RELEVANT PIECE OF INFORMATION IN MY BRAIN.

I walked in a little shy bc I didn't know if the man standing there was a proctor or actually the teacher, since I'd never watched the class. And then I just made stuff up. I got an email a few weeks later saying I could pick up my midterm, but I was scared to go, so never found out what I got on the exam. Naturally, I swore I'd salvage in time for the final.

(In my defense I'll say that in my other classes, I was attending, doing well, "learning," etc.; this one was uniquely impossible for me to feel motivated to do anything for. I promise I have a brain and, minus several glaring exceptions, am a responsible, reasonably good student).

Well, the final rolled around, and I still hadn't purchased the book,and I still hadn't watched a single class period. Luckily he emailed a "study guide" pdf out that looked like it was from the 1950s, Xeroxed or something so it looked all old-fashioned and smudgy. So I showed up armed with that.

45 minutes late.

All the doors were locked so I had wandered around the building for a while and finally got in, sat down, realized I had been really, really, really awful about this whole thing and just hoped for a miracle. I was about to graduate and just kept thinking, "Well, it's a general requirement, so if I get a C- or better I'm fine. Visualize a C. Visualize a C," and just started word-vomiting on the page. Good, old-fashioned make shiz up type word vomiting from someone startlingly unprepared for absolutely no good reason.

What did I get?

An A-.

Well, tomorrow morning I have an eerily similar situation and as Jennifer says, I'm alternating between panic and apathy. I'm just banking on the planet sending me the gift of bullshit. Though I have a sinking feeling United States bankruptcy code may be slightly more difficult to pretend on than the History of Art in Utah.

However, at the risk of sounding like TAMN, it's not my fault this guy made class too mind-numbingly boring to attend. In the words of the illustrious Rachel Williams, may I say, "Passing finals this year will be a Christmas miracle."

Here goes nothing.


The Boob Nazi said...

I bow to you, almighty Queen of BS!

Amy said...

I so needed to read this right now. I have five, count 'em, FIVE finals this semester. Federal Taxation? Are you kidding - I'm supposed to know this stuff. Not gonna be pretty. I'm right there with you Kathleen.

Jennifer said...

Actually, I have a feeling that bankruptcy code is just as made-up as art, but in printed form. So, judging by your stellar record in BS success, you should be fine!

La Yen said...


I have fond memories of just making facts up (including direct quotes) for the AP History exam in High School. Like anyone was going to check. I got a 4.

Also for Biology.

And for Fabric Chemistry.

Here's to faking it through college!

Jordanlz said...

Well, OBVIOUSLY you didn't go to BYU undergrad, because what I did was pray that GOD would direct my pen to the right bubble. I still do. Just close your eyes, have faith, and point.

Emily said...

Oh my, thank you for sharing this. I wish you luck and revelation. I feel better knowing I'm not the only person who has been in that wondrous place of knowing nothing and watching the clock tick by... and not really caring all that much. I'd always remind myself how it's proof that I am lucky to know that there's more to life than whatever this test/paper is. It kind of helped to lie to myself like that.

So said...

LOL! That something. To get an A- in a class that you've never even attended. I am impressed and if I ever need help b-shizzing my way through an exam I'm calling on you.

Erin said...

wow. that art history exam sounds like a nightmare, i mean literally, i often have nightmares that i realize i'm enrolled in a class that i've never been to and i'm about to have to take the final.

good luck on bankruptcy.

if it makes you feel any better, i took an excel class the summer after i graduated from law school so that we could keep our insurance for when i had the baby, and i failed it. so somewhere out there, i have an "F" on a transcript. luckily i don't think anyone will ever see it.

Supalinds said...

You my friend are gifted in the BS department!!

Good luck on finals...I'll see you on the other side at Chip!

Jen Ha said...

Of course you have the gift of bullshit!! It's a pre-requisite for law school... kinda like the LSAT or letters of recommendation. Good Luck! I'm going to need the same. I knew I shouldn't have spent the semester watching Baby Einstein. Dammit.

Ashley is Blogalicious! said...

Yeah, one reason why we are friends. We definitely have THIS in common. Um...remember History of Rock N' Roll? tee hee.

Stephanie said...


some of the people in my program did their undergrad at westminster, and they are always going on an on about how their professors would call them if they missed class, and how everyone was held accountable for the class environment. they say this like it is a good thing.

whatever. why is that better than taking gen ed classes at the u that you never have to go to and can still get an "a"?


KT said...

Yeah, I had many similar experiences at the good old BY of U. I took a class that was FOUR HOURS LONG one night a week. I'd stride in an hour late without fail, take about a 45 minute break in between, and doodle the remainder of the time. The final I took Mad Lib style and aced it. RI-DAMN-DICULOUS. In another class we were supposed to write some massive paper about some agency we had interned at, which I made up the night before. Basically, my college career was fiction based on fiction and pulled straight from my arce.

I'm pretty sure I graduated on a technicality, but I don't admit that in job interviews.