Monday, December 14, 2009

get v. don't get

Things I get:
  • Libraries. It's like the store, but free, so better. Word has reached me that due to budget problems, Philadelphia shut down their public libraries this year. Is that the most horrible thing you've ever heard?
  • Pregnawinters. Wintertime is a great time to be really pregnant because you just feel warm instead of enormous. I might take this back once the kid's here and I don't leave the house for months straight, but right now, it's pretty nice.
  • Also, pregnancy in general. I know those of you who have a rough go of it don't want to hear this, but I'm still pretty comfy and can see why people do this a lot.
  • I don't sing or really understand much about music but I really like it in Christmas programs when the congregation sings normally while the choir does something fancy and high. It sounds angelic and often lovely.
  • Costco hot dogs. Is there a better way to spend $1.50? I know, I know, hot dogs are gross and bad, blahblahblah, but I had one the other day and it was delicious. And if you're wondering if I dragged a buddy on a 2-hour road trip for a Costco outing, the answer is yes. Hey, it's winter.
Things I don't get:
  • Darling, in any form. "That is so darling!" "Darling!" "Love it! How darling!" WHAT? It makes my head hurt. Maybe for puppies or a brand new baby, but even then, what does it MEAN? MAKE IT STOP.
  • How that freaking Hannukah song by Orrin Hatch is so painfully catchy. It's looping through my head to the point of painful.
  • All the crap people sell to new parents. Remember the Sacajawea theory? I know I only have 1 kid in my uterus and 1 kid out so I don't claim to be an expert on this stuff, but my minimal experience tells me that YOU REALLY DON'T NEED ANYTHING. Well, a carseat, and diapers, and boobs. Okay, a basic pump if you want. Infant mobilizers? Diaper genies? Special pillows? Wipe warmers? (For anyone that thinks I'm kidding, THOSE ARE REAL THINGS. PEOPLE PAY MONEY FOR A CONTRAPTION THAT WARMS BABY WIPES. NOT A JOKE.) And though this is a separate topic perhaps for another day, I find it bizarre that a lot of marketing to moms, e.g., "We know what you busy moms need!" assumes little kids in diapers and strollers. Where is all the junk people peddle to moms of older kids? Will I discover that when I reach that point in life, or does corporate America just know that moms of older kids are less dupe-able?
  • Ham sandwiches. I just don't know why you'd choose ham when there are so many other perfectly good meats out there to have in your sammich.
  • Consent forms signed DURING LABOR. I took a too-long childbirth class at the local hospital last weekend (yes, I've given birth before, but I wanted a refresher and was hoping for a tour, though it turns out they aren't giving tours thanks to the flu) and my head almost exploded. In a horrible portion of the class that involved discussion of forceps, vacuums and c-sections (none of which I will mention EVER again bc I'm a hippie and all about POSITIVE BIRTH STORIES ONLY), the teachers kept saying "side effects and complications are rare but all mentioned in the consent form you'll sign if you need one." Granted I have a brand-new law degree and don't claim to be an expert on anything except certain types of bad TV, but HOW in the HELL are you in a position to give any type of "informed consent" WHILE IN LABOR, let alone after hours of labor and if your baby is in distress? I don't think you have to sign anything, but if you do sign something, is that in ANY WAY enforceable? Warning to those who will study/are studying/have studied law: IT MAKES US UPTIGHT.
That's it for now. How about you?

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Did you take breath while sharing this all?

or was it a good release of what you had pent up?

AzĂșcar said...

Hey, I loved my special boppy pillow. Really. For this endowed girl, the special pillow helped a lot.

However, as you said, there is so much superfluous junk.

The Boob Nazi said...

I LOVE COSTCO HOT DOGS.

I don't get having to memorize everything I've ever learned in a class when in real life, you'll have notes to go off BEFORE you meet with an effing client!

I don't get why everyone who doesn't mind gruesome murders doesn't watch Dexter.

I don't get people.

I don't get why I can't stand when people tell me I'm wrong and why I have to defend it TO THE DEATH.

Things I get:
birthday cake.
that diet dr. pepper is heaven on earth
eating 6 bags of fruit snacks in one sitting
that my supervisors suck, and I'm okay with it because I NEVER HAVE TO MEET WITH THEM AGAIN!
Why the Dexter finale was the most amazing thing ever.

Thank you. I needed the break.

b. said...

I took care of my own stinky babies' diapers.
And...I used cold wipes on their poor picked on behinds. Somehow they managed to survive.

I did warm up their formula the entire time they were on it. (sorry, adoptive mom--no breastmilk here)
And, somehow they survived.

I won't even click on the Hatch song--I can't stand him.

I say darling. I feel bad about it.

Liz said...

So sad about the libraries in Philadelphia! Wow.

I don't get...
caffeine-free soda (what's the point?)
leggings as pants
Twilight obsession (AAARGH!)

I totally get...
Cheeseball and crackers
Exercise (How is it that I feel like I want to die during it, but feel so fantastic afterward?)

Amy said...

I like this post. And I get blogs that don't need photos because the writing stands up for itself. And I get sea salt in my rice krispie treats which I recently was introduced to. I also get Christmas countdown calendars/paper chains.

I don't get vegans. And I don't get jewelry (I don't know how to spell that word) parties, candle parties, basket parties, scrapbooking parties, etc. I recently went to one of these and was really concerned when I looked around the room and saw all the other women there with googly eyes looking at "high fashion" baubles that frankly make most of them look kind of silly.

But that's just me.

hate2bcold said...

Gosh dang I love you.

Sarita said...

I say darling. I just do. In fact, I think YOU are darling. Even if it makes me less so.

Lisa R.D. said...

Smiling in agreement with all that you've written... except for the "darling" usage... I say it all the time and probably have said it to you before.... in fact, I'm sure you look darling, all pregnant and warm :).

Dorothy said...

Apparently, I signed a consent form for Summer to receive her Hep B shot before she was born. I have no recollection of this.

Mrs. Clark said...

1. I never say darling. Never have.

2. I didn't buy anything that didn't seem necessary. A crib, yeah, stroller, carseat--but a changing table? Why would you want something that takes up space and the baby can fall off of? Put a blanket on the floor, for crying out loud.

3. Judging from the number of malpractice lawsuits that are settled or won by the parents, I don't think anything signed by a laboring mom is legally enforceable.

4. Companies don't have to market to the parents of older kids. They market to the kids and the kids market the stuff to their parents. A nagging kid can be a very effective sales tool.

5. I don't believe in Hep B shots for babies. Come on, it's a SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED disease! Unless you have it yourself, and you are breastfeeding, the kid doesn't need it.

Thanks for letting me join in the rant.

Mrs. Clark said...

Oh, and I was just remarking to my husband last week that Costco hot dogs and a drink with free refills for a buck-fifty is the best bargain around.

And shutting down public libraries is just wrong. Especially in Philadelphia, city of brotherly love and the home of Benjamin Franklin, who (I think) started the first library in the US.

There. I feel a lot better.

Just SO said...

That is so sad about the libraries in Philadelphia. I have a friend who lives in a smaller town in Oregon where this happened but I can't fathom it happening in a big city like Philly.

What I get...
Caramel. Any candy that has caramel in it. Putting caramel on popcorn. Caramel is heaven.

Snuggies...I totally get these although I still don't have one. But the thought of being able to read a book with a blanket on and hands free? Brilliant.

Reading until you fall asleep.
Taking too many pictures. One can never take too many pictures.

What I don't get..
People who don't like their pictures taken. The pictures aren't for you they are for someone else to enjoy and usually those people love you no matter what.

Radio stations that play Christmas music around the clock since before Thanksgiving. Come on. I honestly think that someone should pass a bill that says no Christmas music until after say... December 12.

The love of eggnog. Nog is just a nasty word and I don't think I could bring myself to drink anything that goes by that name...

Great post.

Cat said...

I just found you while blog-surfing (okay, stalking...). This post is great.

I totally get:
*wipes warmers! But I do use cloth diapers (and wipes) and so I use the wipes warmer in an entirely different way than it was designed...
*finding any excuse to celebrate, no matter how small
*the big bag/purse trend (are those still "in?" I am so not current on my fads). Especially as a mother who doesn't necessarily want to always look just like a mother.
*cooking blogs. I may never need another cookbook (though I will continue to buy them, because they're another thing I totally "get.")

I don't get:
*shirts that look like dresses/dresses that look like shirts. I am mostly talking about for my baby, but I guess that goes for adult sizes as well. If I can't tell if it's supposed to be a shirt or a dress, it shouldn't be worn.
*why I (occasionally, when I feel all supermom and want to cook first thing in the morning) allow my son to eat pancakes with syrup for breakfast but tell him no way on the handful of chocolate chips.
*tiaras. 'Nuff said.
*beautiful but tiny portions at fancy restaurants

Anonymous said...

Enjoy many of your clever thoughts, insights, and observations.
How would you like to be consented for an emergency life-saving procedure (that will have many associated risks) for you and/or your unborn child?
There would be no way to consent you before the emergency as there is a long list of potential emergent scenarios in the birthing of a child, and you most likely won't need any of them.
I am confused about how layers want emergency life-saving surgeries to have perfect, proper, and official informed consent. If it were up to me I would say, "do you want us to save your life-Yes or No" and that would be it and if you were too comatose or dying to nod your cranium yes or shake your cranium no then I would ask some family member who may or may not really represent your best interests. Furthermore, would the risks of any of these life-saving procedures really outweigh the potential benefit (saving your life and/or the life of your unborn child). I understand you are just a lawyer, but maybe just be grateful someone spent the prime portion of their life sacrificing and living in mind-boggling amounts of debts for over 10-15 years to learn how to be able to save the life of you and your unborn child (even when we often get sued for such devious motives afterwords). -local life-saving surgeon with the greatest job in the world

thetrippychick said...

You are my new favorite person. You are hilarious.