gurrbonzo: bar none

Monday, July 19, 2010

bar none

Hello friends and internet. May I ask you a favor? I took the Utah bar exam last year, and then we moved, and I am taking the bar exam of our new state in the great Midwest so I can hold myself out as a lawyer.

(Timeout: "holding yourself out" is one of my favorite awkward phrases. It appears often in the law in subjects like common law marriage, e.g., "holding themselves out as husband and wife," or ethics, e.g., "holding yourself out as an expert," and its perhaps obvious meaning is a person purporting to be something. But "holding yourself out" just makes me picture me holding a smaller version of myself in the air a la Simba from the Lion King and shouting "Behold! I! Am! A lawyer!")

Anyway, what I'm trying to get to is this: If I ever mention that I'm thinking about taking another bar exam, I want you to stage an intervention. And if the intervention doesn't go well, shoot me.

Thanks.

Unrelated comment: being a parent is my favorite thing I've ever done. Our girls (a two-year-old and a six-month-old) had their first long, loud, deliberate giggle-back-and-forth exchange in the car the other day and it may have been the sweetest thing I've ever, ever heard. I sense much mischief in their future and I like it.

Moving on. I have a horrible, horrible, cannot-think-or-sleep-as-my-head-is-pounding toothache. Pretty sure it's bc I haven't been to the dentist since we got married due to lack of dental insurance (whooooops). This is particularly unfortunate timing considering the whole enormous test next week phenomenon, so yes, a dentist is squeezing me in today because if I have to take the bar with the right side of my head pounding I will cry. And also fail. But I'm pretty sure it's bad news, because I can't think of anything good they will tell me about a throbbing tooth/jaw/eyeball/side of face ("Congratulations! It's throbbing due to GOLD NUGGETS! LOTS AND LOTS OF GOLD NUGGETS!") and I suspect it will cost a fortune.

Let us pray. And floss.

10 comments:

Sally said...: BAHAHAHAHA. I now shall picture this picture during the test. If there are two things I will not forget it's common law marriage and that one little rule of ethics.
I'm sorry about your tooth, but at least you are getting it taken care of now! If it makes you feel better, I found out I have an ear infection today... "swimmer's ear" despite the fact I have not swam in months. It's so awesome that crap like this happens 1 week before the test!; 3:44 PM
Matt Conlon said...: You wish to be barred from taking bar exams?

I think they should rename that exam... I think a Bar exam should be to identify different brands of beer by their bottle caps. I bet I could pass that.; 3:54 PM
Annette Lyon said...: I will floss in your name.

Good luck in the bar. (Just saying "the bar" makes me break out in hives . . . shudder.); 4:02 PM
Ru said...: I kind of want to cry for both of us right now, though you more because of your toothache. I promise - I will stop you from taking more bars if you stop me. Deal?; 7:33 PM
Nikki said...: Oh wow. I cannot comprehend having the brain-power to take the bar. wow. You are SUPERWOMAN.

And I feel your pain about the tooth. It seems I'm destined for dentures.; 8:10 PM
elliespen said...: Um, yeah. That's how I'm going to picture holding myself out as a lawyer from now on. Thanks for sharing! Also, good luck with the bar (I'm hating prep for UT right now and can't imagine trying it a second time on purpose). And I'm crossing my fingers for you that it will be gold nuggets.; 9:34 PM
Madame Palmkey said...: I'm glad you put up the simba pic because when you said "holding yourself out there" I unfortunately pictured a perv exposing himself in a park. That is what comes of being in France I suppose. Your image is far, far better.
It might be a gold nugget, in which case removal will pay for itself.; 11:49 PM
Deanna said...: So sorry to hear about your toothache. I hope you opted for the one with the massage chairs.

We had our first giggle fest just recently, too. It is WAAAYYY better than the whine fest that happens way too frequently. You'll pass the bar (and I am speaking of your test and not bathroom humor! Am I the only one just crude enough to think of that? Probably.) and get to come home to toothache free giggles in a matter of days. Hang in there. Jim Gaffigan awaits!; 12:45 PM
Dorothy said...: Lots of gold nuggets, ha ha ha.; 4:23 PM
Just SO said...: Ow. Good luck with both the toothache and the bar exam!

And the laughter of children is probably my favorite sound in the wide world.; 5:57 PM

Quotable Quotes, or, tidbits from me life.

My professor, about people having their babies at home: Home delivery is for pizza.

Me, about Prof: I LIKE his wavelength; I'm just not on it.

Student: I don't think so.
(long pause).
Prof: No, you DO think so.

"I wish I had the opportunity to HAVE a sexual quality of life." -- student responding to survey

"I should cut up my credit cards.
(long pause)
Of course, then I would starve." -- Student

"Are you getting a manicure in my courtroom? What the hell are you doing?" Judge/Prof, to student clipping nails

"He covered everything but his 1990 colonoscopy. Good example of a bad speech. Everyone wants to go home, so unless you're awfully funny, keep it brief." -- Prof

"I'm not opposed to playing games. If you want to play solitaire, bring a deck of cards." -- Prof

"If you want to spend time with your young children, you have to do it when they're young." -- Chief Justice Roberts

Student: That doesn't jive very well with the second article of faith, punishing people for their parents' transgressions.
Prof: Yes, oh holy one.

"For expert witnesses, there are 2 requirements: must have gray hair, and must have hemorrhoids to convey the proper level of concern." -- Prof

"I represented a prostitute, and some of her activities were highly aerobic." -- Prof

"I lock my car. Do you know why? Because I have contraband." - - Prof

"You can either finish law school and write patents at home 1 hour a day, while your little one scribbles on the walls with permanent marker, or you can strap your baby to your back and wash floors with a dirty mop in the early morning and late evening. You decide." --Friend, telling me not to quit

"The children of lawyers who don't read footnotes will STARVE." -- Prof

"You know what’s great about a new day? It’s a new day, full of new opportunities for rejection. I mean, WHO KNOWS who might reject me today?” -- Student, about the job hunt.

"Every time I read an opinion by Justice Breyer, I think of ice cream, and then I want some." -- Student

"I don't want a job. I want a life plan. I need direction!" -- Student.

"They met at a Communist party get together. Not exactly the wardhouse, but still pretty romantic." -- Prof

"He thought he might be the father, because they had sort of an intimate relationship...well, not sort of." -- Prof

"The federal government appreciates love. They understand it." -- Prof

"You never tell your clients to lie. That's unethical. You say, 'Well, here is a potential, credible story that we hope is true.'" -- Prof

"When you get caught speeding, don't say 'I'm sorry.' Say, 'IF I was speeding, I am sorry.' ADMIT NOTHING." -- Prof

"It's true. You can google it on the Internet." -- Prof

"Let me give you a hypothetical. Jesus goes to law school, graduates, what does He do? Criminal prosecution or defense? That's right, he's defending these monsters. He's a defense attorney. That's my gospel insight for the day." -- Prof.

"This is my job. I'm just trying to do my job, and you're giving me a hard time. I don't give you a hard time with your job. I just order my burger and fries." -- Prof to smart alecky student

"It's just one more way he's found to shame me."
--Student, about Prof

"In a couple of days, you're going to wish this distinction didn't exist." --Prof

"I can't concentrate when it's snowing, dammit."
--Student, when asked a question in class

Prof: "And what did the court say about that?"
Student: "They didn't mention it."
(awkward pause)
Prof: "Actually, it's italicized. Hahaha!"

"Punitive damages are un-freaking-predictable, but it's the consumer's way of saying 'corporate America, you can't screw me over.'" -- Prof

"I'd like to reward attendance and good preparation, but it's a crapshoot, after all." --Prof, explaining grading policy

"I don't know if any of you have neighbors with vicious boars, but if you do, you should probably move." --Prof

Student A: The thing speaks for itself, don't you think?
Student B: Then I want to know what the hell it's saying.

Student: I would think so.
Prof: You would THINK so???
(awkward pause)
Student: But I would obviously be wrong.

"My wife tells me it's harder to actually give birth than to encourage someone to give birth." -- Prof

Student: I give up.
Prof: Actually, only I get to decide when you give up.

"I think most people who work for the government are lazy, because I've been to the post office." -- Student

"I made the mistake of going out to lunch. I've seen the sun. I've tasted freedom." -- Student

"Imaginable in a common sense sort of way, not imaginable in a science fiction sort of way." -- Prof

Prof: Ready? You've had 19 minutes to think about this.
Student: I know. I advanced a level on Warcraft.

"I know you hate me, because I made you read pages we didn't get to. I hate me too." -- Prof

"Don't go there. We have a chart on that that's gonna give you a rash." -- Prof

Prof: Passover is coming! Have you been thinking about it?
Student: No, Ive been busy preparing food for it all week.
Prof: Your excuse fails, because the law requires the lamb to be boiled not roasted, so it must be done quickly. Your excuse fails like the little boy who lost his CTR ring."

Student: Can you clarify consequential and incidental damages in this case? It's a little fuzzy.
Prof: Let's just not.

Prof: Now, I want to go back to this student, because he's the one that said thou shalt not kill.
Student: Well, God said that, I quoted it.

"An accumulation of bad choices will make you into a bad lawyer and therefore a bad person." -- Prof