Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Welcome to our family.

A few years ago, I really clicked with Ammon. I was preaching the good word door-to-door with a nametag, a frumpy skirt covered in cat hair and some serious bottom-of-the-foot blisters and I was the happiest I'd ever been. I read in the Book of Mormon about when Ammon says "My joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy" and thought, Amen, brother. I really got it. I was sure that THIS, this mission thing, this feeling God's love for strangers when I couldn't feel my toes and bits of my hair were frozen together, THIS praying for stuff then watching it happen, THIS was what he meant by a heart brim with joy. Gotcha.

Then, a year later, I knelt across from my champion husband as we got married and realized, nope, THIS is brim with joy, THIS is as good as it gets, THIS staring at your favorite person and realizing you're perma-joined for the long haul and about to build a life together, THIS is as good as it gets, THIS is brim with joy.

Then exactly one week ago, husband placed our 10-seconds-old, wriggly, bloody, screaming, perfect baby on my tummy. I stared at her and at him and together we looked at this little person we made together who was inside me just a minute ago and I realized, THIS is brim with joy, THIS is as good as it gets. I have never felt anything like it but it's gotta be what Ammon meant when he said, "I cannot say the smallest part which I feel."

I feel weird blogging about her. You blog about sushi night, funny things people say on the bus, lame commercials, or how you hate finals. How do you tell the internets about the most intense feelings you've ever experienced in your life in the same space that you laugh about the gas station lady's sex advice? I don't know what to say but I can't even handle the love I feel.

I will never forget how husband stared at me when it was all over, how proud he was of me and how much love I felt from him and for him and how the love I felt for this screaming, goopy infant was amplifying every good feeling I've ever had in my life and I forgot for a minute that I'd just pushed her out without any meds and that I hadn't changed a diaper since I was a Beehive and that I don't know how to give her a bath and I don't get babies at all, and for a minute all I could think about was how NOW I might explode with love and I finally know what Ammon meant and I finally got it through my thick head that this whole family thing really is what it's all about.

13 comments:

Kiersten said...

So, so beautiful. Congratulations!

megandjon said...

i love it kathleen! this is life, you know! of course you can blog about weird bus co-passengers and your newborn babe in the same space. and what a beautiful post. you are really making me even more excited to meet my current tenant.

i still want labor details though. maybe in an email, if you're not going to blog it? please?

Anna said...

thanks for sharing that friend.

ps- you pushed her out with no meds? you are so hard core. good work. ;)

Supalinds said...

I just read that post 3 times. Beautiful Gurr. I am so happy for you and your family.

You blog about this so that in 20 years she can pull up this post and read how you felt when she came into this world. One day this post will make her day, just like it did mine.

Congrats.

Stephanie said...

congrats lady, she's perfect and so was this post.

zacharoo said...

Freakin' cute. She is better than sushi night.

Mar said...

This makes me want my baby now!

snittymagee said...

You are such a cheese head! Heart you and your blog.

Christie said...

oh my gosh. I love her!

Jennifer said...

See, the thing is, you CAN blog about it all in the same spot, b/c life is just weird like that and the crazy gas station lady and the most amazing experiences are all part of this strange existence that is life. And of course, it all has to happen in random order b/c we can't take too much of any of the same thing at one time!

Erika Sullivan said...

Amen. I went through all of those experiences and thought exactly the same thing. Sometimes I think, "What's next?" Last month when I went to my cousin's wedding in the Salt Lake Temple and saw her parents smiling as she kneeled over the alter, after getting home from her mission, and I thought, "Oh...maybe that joy is what's to come." How exciting. Congratulations Kathleen! She is beautiful.

Nikki said...

omigosh! I didn't realize it'd been so long since I checked your blog! CONGRATS!!! She is sure cute! love that squished little mouth. I know how you feel. In the moments after the birth of my first child-- I felt I had a glimpse of the happiness that our Heavenly Father has for us.

I better get on the ball and send you her ducky towel!

Emily said...

I know this is a little freaky, how I'm going and reading all this in your blog. I just got so excited to see your name/face/words and it's such a nice thing to do on a Sunday evening. Anyway, she is adorable and I bet she gets better and better. And I'm really proud and excited to hear about someone else interested in natural childbirth. I'm so completely sold on the hippie stuff, so I hope it actually works for me when the time comes. :) I need to go finish blowing up that birthing ball and get practicing...