Thursday, September 24, 2009

completely true story

This post is inspired by the illustrious MCB, who makes me wish in a sick sort of way that I'd read anything by Jack Weyland in my life.

When I was 19, I briefly dated a 24-year-old fellow who was nice enough, although looking back, I can see that he sort of resembled a reptile or kind cartoon turtle. Why he thought it was normal to date someone fresh out of high school is sort of gross now, but at the time I thought it was hot.

We once had the following bizarre exchange:

Him: "How many books have you read?"

Me: "What?"

Him: "How many books have you read?"

Me, thinking what the hell kind of a question is that? This year? In college? In a particular genre? He can't possibly mean IN MY LIFE. Note that I used to get grounded FROM reading and have to go outside to play, so in elementary school alone I probably read thirty million books...: You mean, ever?

Him: Yes, ever. In your life.

Me, giving him the where-am-I stare: Um, a zillion? (long pause while I wonder where this is going) How many books have YOU read?

He then told me that the only book that he had read cover to cover IN HIS TWENTY-FOUR YEARS OF LIFE, including high school when he just read CliffsNotes, was...


Weird it didn't work out between us.

Updated: Though (obviously) not much of a reader, this fellow had many other redeeming qualities which is why we went out in the first place. This story, however, involves facts, which speak for themselves. No offense intended to my friend who set us up. And who is also his sister. Whooooops.


AzĂșcar said...




The Boob Nazi said...

When my parents wanted to ground me, they would take my books away. I was one of THOSE kids.

heidikins said...

I just snorted Diet Dr. Pepper onto my keyboard. I will be sending you the cleaning bill, you can split it with MCB. ;o)



Anna said...

wow. still laughing. :)

Mackenzie said...


SO said...

That scares me.

I would read so much that I would put a pillow in front of my door at night so my mom couldn't tell that my light was still on so I could read late into the night.

ebv said...


Charlott said...

How rude. I am totally mad at you Gurr. That's a shot straight to the heart considering I was the one WHO SET YOU TWO UP! OUCH!

Anonymous said...

Amazing how sometimes people can write something in an attempt to aggrandize their own ego or in their own foolishness to make another person, whose life story they do not understand, look poorly. Why? In jest? In twisted sarcasm? Because of insecurity? When really what their words do are make them look like a completely judgmental ass with no heart, no empathy, and no understanding. Cheers and good luck to people like that in life. They will writhe in their own narcissism and be found wanting.

gurrbonzo said...

Oh, sweet , sweet Anonymous.

We don't EVER know everyone's life story. That's a fact. Know what is also a fact? This story.

No attempt to "aggrandize my own ego" or "make another person look poorly." Just stating a funny fact, which is that the only book he'd read was Charly, and that by itself is funny.

See my new post for a fact about me that might make me look dumb. We all have stories that make us look dumb and I'm sure I star in plenty of "I knew this girl who, get this,..." blahblah.

Group hug.

La Yen said...


But what about the BOM? I mean, didn't he learn from Charly that he HAD to read it and serve a mission so he could marry a righteous blond who had never shared her special purpose with a non-member prior to her conversion?

I mean, who wants a used brunette?

Anonymous said...

You have too much time on your hands and too little self respect. Find a job and keep off the blog.

gurrbonzo said...

La Yen, good point. If I recall correctly, it was the only non-scripture book he'd read.

And, BAHAHAHA! Thank you, Anonymous. That might be my favorite comment in a long time. Every time I read it, I like it more.

That is gold. Pure, pure gold.

Stephanie said...


it seems like anonymous might need a new book. you know, since their copy of charly is probably quite well-worn.

may i suggest this gem by john bytheway: How to Be Totally Miserable: A Self-Hinder Book.

you're welcome!

Mrs. Clark said...

Jack Weyland: "Hey, this Love Story book was really good. I know! I'll rewrite it from an LDS perspective! And make the heroine a girl who is a worldly philosophy major, but joins the Church and is totally content living in a basement and being a wife and Avon lady!"

No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the Mormon public.

Michemily said...

One book? Oh man, and Charly at that.