Tuesday, February 02, 2010

virtue: not just for virgins anymore

That wasn't actually the title of our stake workshop, but wouldn't that have been awesome?

Thanks for all of your comments. I found many of them helpful and thought-provoking (and some, cringe-worthy).

A few things I should clarify: I led the same discussion twice, first with all the 12-year-old boys AND girls AND their parents, then with all the 13-year-old boys AND girls AND their parents. I think having a) those younger ages b) with both genders c) with parents d) in a pretty large group made for a pretty unique situation that I would have tackled differently if it had just been girls, or just boys, or no parents, or a smaller group.

I'd been thinking a lot about what it's like to be 12 or 13, the 6th/7th/8th grade crowd, very sweet and very fresh-faced, many of whom are the only members in their grade and/or school. They aren't too cool for church yet and still get excited about participating (sometimes). So many of them were very sweet and truly "without guile." I figured the sex-is-great-that's-why-you-wait conversation was better suited for the older crowd and kept this discussion away from the nitty-gritty and more focused on what virtue means and why they should care.

Anyway, I'm sure you would have done it differently (and likely done a better job), and feel free to skip it if you're not interested, and judge all you want, but I've gotten a few questions about what I ended up doing, so here's the gist of it for those who have asked and perhaps someone out there in internetland finds it helpful.
  • Think of a time you've felt really proud of yourself, a time you felt like you could do anything, just really confident and like you wanted to high-five the world. We listed them on the board, and in both groups, the participation was really endearing: "When I made the honor choir!" "When I tried out for 7th grade softball!" "Grades!" "Being in jazz band!" "When I gave a talk!" "When my first piano recital was over!" "When I help my brother with his math and we both figure out hard problems!" "When I finish reading a good, big book!" and so forth. I chimed in with a few, e.g., finishing law school, or giving birth two weeks ago. I then said that everything on the board and anything that is truly rewarding in life usually involves (1) preparation and (2) commitment and how this was also true for virtue. We went over the list and I asked them to keep that feeling in mind, and to remember what it's like to feel confident and empowered and like you can handle anything life throws at you, and how today we're going to talk about "the courage to be chaste and virtuous" which, in part, means learning how to be confident about choices we make and confident in God's presence.
  • Alma 38:12: "Bridle your passions, that ye may be filled with love." This worked out well bc in both groups there were kids that were really into horses who explained how a bridle works and how a horse doesn't know where to go without it, how a bridle doesn't suppress but just focuses the horse. We talked about where they want to go both short- and long-term and how self-control is the ticket and being your own boss and deciding what you will do (and won't do) is part of growing up.
  • Virtue is a prerequisite for feeling the guidance of the Holy Ghost. We talked about what "prerequisite" means (apparently, in junior high you have to take Global Studies before you can take American Studies, Geometry before Algebra, or whatever; it was really sweet how excited they were to think up examples of prerequisites) and how being virtuous allows God to help us and show us what to do.
  • Virtue is a pattern of thought and behavior. I asked them to explain what a pattern is (they mentioned repeating designs, or 2, 4, 6, 8, etc.) and it's basic but seemed to work okay in helping them understand that we do what we're used to doing, so right now is a great time to start a pattern of thought and behavior to last them for the decades to come.
  • Developing virtue is a process. This is the part I liked best. There is an awesome section on Virtue in Preach My Gospel (that I made into a really basic handout), from Chapter 6 about Christlike Attributes. At the end of the chapter, there is this "activity" where you're supposed to rate yourself on a scale of 1 - 5, 1 meaning never and 5 meaning always, as an opportunity for self-reflection. I found the section on "Virtue" really fascinating bc I usually think of it as code for virginity, but this brought a more positive, more nuanced discussion.
I am clean and pure in heart. (Psalm 24:3–4)
I have no desire to do evil but to do good. (Mosiah 5:2)

I am dependable—I do what I say I will do. (Alma 53:20)

I focus on righteous, uplifting thoughts and put unwholesome
thoughts out of my mind. (D&C 121:45)
I repent of my sins and strive to overcome my weaknesses. (D&C
I feel the influence of the Holy Ghost in my life. (D&C 11:12–13)

We read and discussed each scripture. I wasn't sure where this would go, but we ended up talking a lot about the first statement (how clean hands and a pure heart means clean on the outside AND the inside), the second statement (how when our hearts change, our desires change) and the fourth one ("put unwholesome thoughts out of my mind" means it's okay to HAVE unwholesome thoughts and the key is to not entertain them). It worked out well to just see what they responded to and run with it.
  • Repentance is real and WE CAN CHANGE. I mentioned this might make more sense to a lot of them later in life so invited them to put it in their back pocket until they needed it, but that if they ever feel like it's too late or things are too far gone or all hope is lost, that. is. a. lie. God cares way more about our direction than about our past and the miracle of the gospel is that we can change. You don't have to wait for anything. I told them about my friend who once, in a moment of clarity, threw a CD out the window of her car bc she knew she shouldn't listen to it. If it's holding you back, THROW IT OUT. On the way home from this activity, you can tell your parents, "I've been looking at stuff I shouldn't online, will you help me?" or you can tell your boyfriend or girlfriend, "You know what? I'm 12 or 13. That's too young to have a boyfriend or girlfriend." We don't have to be the same tonight as we were this afternoon.
  • A number of the youth made very, very sweet comments about what they want out of life and how they want to play certain sports in high school or go to a certain college or make the honor band next year and we talked about how good choices allow them to stay in the driver's seat and be in charge of what they do.
  • God gives us commandments because He wants us to be happy. Finally, at the end, I just told them that my life is not even close to perfect but that every good thing in my life--my husband, my mission, my education, my freaking awesome kids--everything good in my life is from God, and how happy those things make me, and how I want that for them and how God wants that for them.
I was sort of dreading the assignment but I'm glad I got the chance to do it. I realized that virtue isn't just virginity and that every law of chastity discussion doesn't have to be about heavy petting. Bits of the lesson kind of flopped but for portions of it, I felt like they were really "with" me and I left feeling like we'd had this intense heart-to-heart.


La Yen said...

That is awesome. I love this a million percent.

Nikki said...

You rock. I can just see you becoming an Education Week speaker.

Amy said...

I love it. Good job, great focus. I may just plagiarize this when I get called as YW leader.
By the way, I second the suggestion of "A Return to Modesty." It's one of the best books I've ever read.

Brooke said...

If there was an award for best youth leader ever, I would totally give it to you!! What a great experience for you and the youth! I'm glad it turned out so well.

Annie P said...

Wow. I really enjoyed reading this and it has given more to think about. I had just read a talk by Sister Parkin on Virtue so it has been on my mind.

I don't think I could have pulled off that assignment. Looks like you did it perfectly.

Kathy/mom said...

This is great!!!Perfect for the age group and really insightful. Good job-and impressive that you did it with a less than 2 week old baby and active toddler. You are amazing!

b. said...

Can I copy this for FHE?

Or...how 'bout you just come over to the farm and teach it!

Ru said...

Good job!! For some reason, I think I misunderstood your first explanation of the event, and I thought you were going to have to deal with the 12-18 year olds. I was pretty terrified for you, friend, because those age groups do not mix. So glad the kids responded well, yay! Your event sounds like it was amazing. And I'm so glad you didn't have to say the word "petting." That is one of my ick-words.

PS - In case you wanted to know, when I was 14ish, we learned not to have sex when our Sunday School teacher brought in a cake she'd professionally decorated, and then told us she'd added dog poop to the batter before she baked it, and we could choose to eat it or throw it away. I have no idea what that analogy was supposed to teach us, other to never eat anything Sister So-And-So cooked again.

For the record, when a friend of mine left for his mission, he went to this lady and asked if she'd really put poop in the cake. She really did.

Lena said...

What a great idea. I think you did this perfectly. I will totally use your ideas if I ever find myself needing to teach it. Even if it is only to my own kids someday.

The Boob Nazi said...

But I loved all the talks about heavy petting!!!! I'm still not 100% sure of what heavy petting is.

Jordanlz said...

I can remember being in YW and I bet I would/do think you must be pretty awesome and your girls love you. Beware being called to the Camp Director position. For us, it was always a sign of a new YW President

Jenibelle said...

I heard about this from a "blog friend". For one so young, you are very, very wise and this was very well done. Excellent. May I use this as an outline for a lesson in my Seminary class? I have 22 heavily hormonal Sophomores...the comments they make might not be so sweet!

Holly C M said...

Kathleen, I am truly impressed. That sounds like one of the best of its kind to my knowledge. Thank you for sharing, thank you for putting so much thought and prayer into making it interesting and applicable to the young set. They will probably remember it forever! Think of that.

Liz said...


Thanks for this post. I really felt the Spirit while reading it and learned quite a few things myself from it. I really liked what you said...that we don't have to be the same tonight as I was this afternoon. If I ever think it's too late to change, it's not. Thanks for the insight!!

Lisa R.D. said...

Wow, amazing insights (from comments on the last post too). I only wish I had read/memorized all of this before my lesson on virtue many months ago in YW.... I'm going to put this in my back pocket for the next time around...

Sharon said...

That is amazing stuff. I'm with b.: I'm co-opting this for FHE. It even made ME feel more virtuous. :)

Jen said...

Amazing. Really.

Mrs. Clark said...

Fantastic! You addressed those kids at the ideal level. Just goes to show what we can do when we seek the Spirit. You explained virtue perfectly--it's not just technical virginity. You rock!

Anonymous said...

What a great resource!