Wednesday, March 05, 2008
feline AIDS is the number one killer of domestic cats
Meet Debbie Downer.
You know, the person who manages to take every opportunity in a conversation to be an enormous downer and makes you want to pound your head into the wall. Doesn't matter what you say, or what anyone else says, a good Debbie Downer will bum everyone out by talking only miserable talk. What bright side? To Debbie, there IS no bright side. You've seen the hilarious skits about how Debbie manages to throw something somber into every conversation, talking about high divorce rates at weddings and mad cow disease at the family dinner table before a sad trombone noise comes in (waaa, waaaa) and we get an up close and personal shot of her sad face. Watch more here.
Anyway, real life Debbie Downers are the best. Interacting with them is pretty funny in general, but especially funny when you are very pregnant and you have conversations with Debbie Downers that involve the following statements (please note that all these statements have ACTUALLY BEEN MADE TO ME, by several people, over the last few weeks, and the best part is that none of these Debbies even have kids):
DD: Ugh (looking me up and down). You must be MISERABLE.
Me: You know, I'm actually still feeling great. Maybe the miserable part's still coming, but I'm not uncomfy yet. I've had a great pregnancy.
DD, with a grimace: Ugh. How are your stretch marks? And are you still pretty confident you can handle all of this?
(bwahaha! Where should I take this conversation? "Nope, forget it. I better throw in the towel. Thanks for talking me out of being 8 months pregnant. " WTF. You know, I DO have a really hard life...you know, a champion husband, a healthy body, a supportive fam, a great education, a place to live, decent insurance, etc....WHOA. Now that I think about it, no one has ever had a baby in harder circumstances. WHAT AM I THINKING???)
DD, with a knowing nod (even though she has no kids): Wow. That baby's gonna be EXPENSIVE. Hope you guys can afford it.
Me: (awkward laugh) Well, she'll eat for free for a while, so that'll help out.
DD: I guess it just depends on your baby. She'll probably be colicy. Hope she doesn't have tons of health problems. You just never know.
DD: How much longer do you have? (as though I'm about to go to jail and these are my last 30 seconds of freedom and fresh air)
Me: Well, we'll see! Another month or so. I guess she'll join us whenever she's ready.
DD, with a grimace: EVERYTHING will be different. EVERY. THING. I guess I'm just not ready to give up my whole life and identity yet. And it totally ruins your body.
Me, laughing politely: Well, I figure it's a small price to pay. Big bum vs. new member of our family, you know? I'm happy to fatten up a little to bring a new little life into the world.
DD: Yeah, I guess. I hope you took a good long look in the mirror before you got pregnant, because your body will NEVER. BE. THE. SAME. (insert sad trombone).
Me, to a fashionable Debbie Downer: Hey! Look how cute you are!
DD, touching my stomach: And look how huge you are.