Thursday, July 31, 2008

Ask the audience

Let's say you're doing a fake negotiation for your cheesy class, and you spend an hour in a room with the "other party" who is a nice but sweaty/sniffly fellow, and throughout that hour you watch him wipe his runny nose on his fingers and he picks at his face incessantly. You make a concentrated effort not to cringe throughout the negotiation. Then, you reach an agreement, he sticks out the very hand you've watched crawl all over his face for sixty minutes and says "Pleasure working with you."

What to do?

Wednesday, July 30, 2008


So I am taking this ridiculous but funny "intensive" course at a law school that is not my own, and it goes all day everyday for a week...seriously...8-5...HURL. It's interesting even though it involves a lot of Steven R. Covey-esque barftastic phrases like "Money now is better than money later," the profs swear a lot which I appreciate, and for a split second yesterday I actually understood why someone would want an MBA bc the professors make business stuff sound interesting. One of the them said, "Is this more fun than BYU? Wait til we bring out the keg on Friday!" which made me pee. But I'm having baby withdrawals BIG TIME bc I haven't been away from her all day before. And it sucks. And I call every 2 hours to see if she's okay, and of course SHE'S okay, but I'M not okay...who knew reproducing made you so gushy? Man, she is the best. Even when she poops on my skirt at church--AGAIN--in the middle of a musical number and it's so messy and noisy that the lady in front of us turns around and says "I bet SHE feels better! Hrmph!", she is the best.

There was a time in my life I thought I'd never blog about about baby feces, and that time is over.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

insightful little bastuhds

"What're you doing, goin' to work?" asked the grumpy, slightly rough-looking 50ish man at the cash register as I was grabbing a bit o diet cola at a gas station the other day. "Kind of, I'm going to study," I explained nicely, though a bit warily considering my history of awkward gas station conversations. He proceeded to tell me how he is a nurse so he knows how hard it can be to study. (Question: why do you work at the gas station if you're a nurse?) He asked me what I was going to school for, and when I told him I was in law school, he said (direct quote):

"Fight injustice, lady. Fight the cops. Fight the pigs. They make shit up all the time. We need you to fight 'em! WILL YOU FIGHT 'EM FOR US??!" He got a little loud near the end, so I politely responded with, "I'll do my best," and scurried off.

This is a great blessing in disguise because people are always asking me what I want to do, and now I have a good, short, vibrant answer: "Fight the pigs!"

Also, today in Sunday School we were talking about the Anti-Nephi Lehis burying their swords and the teacher said, "What swords do we have that we need to bury?"

Huge pause.

Husband says, "It's mostly guns, these days."

Friday, July 18, 2008

Disagree with me!

I like a bit of controversy. This explains why I like things like politics, law school and casual sex. Just kidding about the last one. You know the saying, "If two of you think alike, one of you is unnecessary"? Don't you agree?? You'd better! (get it? You better agree about thinking alike?? Bwahaha!). Like Elder Wirthlin's last conference talk, "The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father’s children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole." You're probably freaking out that I said "casual sex" and "conference talk" in the same paragraph. You would never do that, would you. AHA! We're different! SEE?

But seriously folks, we are different on PURPOSE. Not only do I like a healthy debate, IT'S IMPORTANT. And if I may be frank, and I suspect that I may because this is my blog, too many of us just shut down rather than disagree. I'm not talking about fighting, hurting feelings, personal insults, I'm talking about having (gasp) different opinions. I wonder if it's that many of us (women, especially) are pleasers; we like it when people are happy and we interpret any conflict, even friendly, substantive conflict, as bad. So in almost any circumstance, we jump to the smooth-over portion before dealing with the meat-n-potatoes of the issue, just shutting down and saying "Okay, let's not get into it, have a great day! Love you!" or "I'm staying out of it, let's get a treat!" But 'getting into it' doesn't have to mean raging like a about a bit o depth, here? And I'm convinced that shutting down at the first sign of any conflict does us, and our communities, and the PLANET, a pretty serious disservice. Are people uncomfortable with dimensions? Hesitant to share how they feel? Hesitant to DECIDE how they feel because someone might disagree and then they'd have a meltdown? I think most adults have great intentions when they try to avoid conflict, but it worries me when it's primarily women who avoid conversations like this. Give me a break. I get concerned when people avoid a real discussion because they think everyone will get their feelings hurt like we're 7.

Do you think that was insensitive? GREAT! Something else we can disagree on! Anyway, here are a few random thoughts I'm just going to throw out there to stir the e-pot a bit (not a drug reference). No insults, just some healthy conflict. Embrace it.

I have some stretch marks and I kind of like them because they remind me what my body is capable of doing...growing a human. What the awesome!

When married couples say they've never been in a fight, I don't believe them, or else I figure one of them is a doormat. Husband and I disagree all the time and one of my favorite things about him is how he explains himself and how he'll listen to me do the same and how we don't have to agree on everything

I comment on strangers' blogs all the time. It is the WORLD-WIDE WEB, and if you put it on the Internet, you want people to see it. You're kidding yourself if you have a non-private blog and think strangers don't see it all day long. Aren't you happy I at least make myself known when I visit? I don't think it's creepy. Stranger comments are fine with me as long as they're not spam, gross, or insulting. I figure that elevates someone from creepy stalker to new e-friend and I always laugh when someone says "Isn't that weird that someone I don't know commented on my blog?" Um, no. It's not weird. You put it on the Internet.

Which brings me to another point...I don't believe people when they say their blog is their journal. I mean, it's neat to have stuff to look back on, but if you truly wrote for "yourself" you'd have it private or just do it in Word. We all blog (at least partly) for the interaction and attention, don't we?

The whole idea of private school freaks me out. If your neighborhood school isn't good enough for our kids, I figure we can help fix it. Unless you live in the hardcore ghetto and your kid's going to join a gang or get stabbed by one, it's pretty snooty to say your kid deserves a good education more than the other kids on the street do.

I don't understand why people think anything environmentally friendly is "liberal." It seems like keeping the planet we call home in tip-top shape should be the one no-brainer we all agree on.

I am impulsive and I like other impulsive people because in the time you spend thinking about doing something, you could've finished it.

Birth control is the devil's tool....okay, I don't really think that, I just wanted to get some healthy-disagreement juices flowing in you. Did it work?

Friday, July 11, 2008

what's WITH that!?

What's with...
  1. the baby on the box o Costco baby wipes? It's an otherwise cute baby with a creepy cabdriver toupee. Gross. You know I'm right.
  2. the recent spike in African-investment spam I've been getting? "May I humbly introduce myself to your good self? I recognized associating with you will derive a huge success there, ten percentage."
  3. people thinking Seriously, so blessed! is written by a guy. Seriously?? Come on!
  4. harems in hip-hop videos? Just watched part of a documentary on that and it rocked, er, hip-hopped me. Skanktastic. One more reason hub, baby and I refuse to turn thug.
  5. there not being a Tar-jay closer to my home??
  6. our baby's huge, toothless grin. Call me a cheese all you want but it's the CUTEST EVER.
  7. people hating Wall-E? No joke, I read a blog post recently in which someone claimed it was "the most offensive movie" they'd ever seen. Helluva statement to make about a ROBOT CARTOON, eh?? A little defensive about your trash?? And while I'm raging about that, what's with people acting like taking care of our planet is a bad thing? Ever heard of tending the earth? Politics or no politics, LOGIC tells me that smog is bad.
  8. Chipotle not having a frequent stampy card?
Your turn.

Monday, July 07, 2008


Non-answers kill me. I've been known to give a few myself but what the hell is up with people in law school speaking pure nonsense and everyone else nodding knowingly??? Overheard today:

"Individual consumers, you know, just contribute to this marketplace of ideas, and at the end of the day, that's how it is."

"Everything we've discussed here, this whole theme, is uniquely American in principle."

"Well, politicians are always treated differently, and that's not going to change, and it really just depends on whether you like Democrats or Republicans better, you know?"

"Are you not making my point? That's exactly my point, on another level."

"I don't necessarily know if we can trust much of anything, in my opinion."

These are all code for "I've been playing Solitaire for the last hour and am going to offer up a non-opinion opinion to act like I am particularly aware and nonchalant when really I'm kind of a douche." I love it, and I can fake it with the best of them, but COME ON. Everyone must've watched this and taken it to heart:

Today Now!: How To Pretend You Give A Shit About The Election

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Embracing the ways of the matron




So I just mocked a stranger for posting a recipe. Relax, it was light-hearted. And I know YOU always post recipes, and that's neat for YOU, but most of the time they involve things I can't pronounce and sure as hell don't have around, let alone have the patience to mix with other things to create something edible. I don't make stuff, remember? But now that law school has chilled out (I only have one class and it's with Michelle Obama) and I hang out with our cute new kiddo, I've got the time, so I often make stuff. And many of you reading this may poop your pants imagining me cooking, but seriously friends, I've changed a lot in the last few months. I breastfeed and everything. That's right, BREASTFEED. Also, I got a short mom haircut (not a bob, NOT A BOB, it's totally hip)...I didn't have the patience to wait for an appointment with my regular hair lady so I got a nice $13 chop from a kind Asian woman who had to reach up to cut my hair kept yelling "Welcome to Great Crypts" when people walked in. But all this is my way of saying that this is a big step for me, but I'm going to post a few things I have made twice in the last week and plan on making tomorrow. Laugh it up, but soon you'll breastfeed and cook too and I'll laugh even harder at you than you are at me.

Baked Ziti Wonder
boil 1 lb of noodles (whatever you want. We got a bunch of penne a while back so that's what we use 'round here) and while you're doing that, brown 1 lb of hamburger with some chopped up onion (if you're into that) and garlic (or just garlic powder if you're like me). When the beef is nice and brown, dump a jar of spaghetti sauce in and simmer it for about 10 minutes. In the meantime, drain the noodles and put half of them on the bottom of a greased 9x13 pan. Then put a whole package of sliced up provolone cheese over it (or grated mozzarella if you want), then some sour cream (3/4 a cup), then 3/4 cup of cottage cheese (seriously), then half the meat mixture. Then the rest of the pasta, some more cheese, the rest of the meat mixture and a bit of parm on top. Put some tin foil on it because the pan's probably full by now, and pop it in the oven at 350 for about 20 minutes or til everything is warmed through. Then eat up and high five yourself (or a terrorist fist jab, whichever) for making such a satisfying meal.

The other favorite in our easy-stuff-only home is a little thing I like to call
Chicken FIESTA Casserole, or Yo Soy Bonita.
Cook up a couple of chicken breasts and then chop them up. Mix 2 cans of black beans (or one big can), 1 can of corn, 1 can of green chiles, 3/4 cup sour cream and 1 cup of salsa with the chicken. Crunch up some tortilla chips and put them on the bottom of a greased 9x13 pan, then half the mixture, then some grated cheese, then some more crunched up chips, then the rest of the mixture, then cheese. Bake half an hour at 350 and mmm mmm! Eat it up with some tortilla chips and some more salsa, and then reward yourself afterwards by cuddling with your cute baby (if you've got one) or surfing the internets, if you don't.

You're welcome. I'll now offer the baby the other teat.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

with a kiddie root beer, please

Today involved one of my favorite outings: a little lunch date with Supa-ironwoman-linds. To my delight and amazement, as I walked into the good old Red Butte with cute baby, the nice gentlemen working there kindly showed me to my seat and proceeded to ask me if we wanted a kids' menu.

A kids' menu.

She's ELEVEN WEEKS OLD. If there's ever been a time for a grilled cheese or bite-sized corndog, it's now.

Thanks but no thanks, man. I AM her kids' menu.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

the true north strong and free

I am Canadian!

Happy Canada Day!