ich bin stumped

As usual, I have some rage to share, so brace yourself.  My friend Wendi calls these grumblings "coin-pursing it" like an old lady opening her coin purse and saying "Kids these days!"  But hey, it's my blog and I do what I want.

Know what inspires me?  A good book.  THE good book.  Kindness.  Humor.  A great example of selflessness and/or productivity.  My fam and kiddos.  New democracies.  A good visit full of controversy and interruption.  An awesome book...did I say that already?  I could go on all day.

Know what doesn't inspire me?  Random stuff you hang up on the wall.  And chairs.  And wallpaper.  And so on.  Is it pretty?  Yes.  Is it cool?  Sometimes.  But it's also just a thing, the only purpose of which is to sit there for people to behold it.  So I am puzzled and a little saddened when I bump into blog after blog and snicket after snicket saying stuff like "That pillow is so INSPIRING" or "your living room INSPIRES me" or "design INSPIRES me" or "that self-portrait of you sipping out of a straw at some restaurant is so INSPIRING" or "your bangs INSPIRE me" or "the new kid's line at this store is so INSPIRING."  Seriously?  Those are pieces of children's clothing, not Mother Theresa. 

I kind of get it, because of course, everyone likes to go out to eat, and to find a cool trinket once in a while.  But those are things you do now and then as a side dish to the main course of your actual life.  WE ARE GROWN UPS.  It seems like we should things to do, like BE grownups, and realize that a lamp is a lamp, not headline news and definitely not "inspiring."  IT IS A LAMP.  Maybe it's cool, and we can high-five you for finding a cool lamp, but it is not a show-stopper.  It is for lighting up the room.  No?  Our whole life can't (and shouldn't) be primping and getting dressed and decorating your house, right?  It's fun and everything, but those are things you do TO FACILITATE living the rest of your life, you know, being a decent friend/spouse/parent/sibling/neighbor, working at your job, doing all the unglamorous but productive or at least necessary stuff like wiping bums and tables and comforting people or making beds and whatever else, contributing to society, reading a book, doing some basic grown-up critical thinking, blahblahblah.  And I guess I can kind of see how a cool painting or something really arty is inspiring if it motivates you or sparks something in you, but that's actual art, or real design, not a trendy rug or whatever.  I am totally puzzled by all of the stuff I've seen lately about people being "inspired" by "design," which seems to be code for "I don't have real hobbies or interests so I shop."

Agree?  Disagree?  Am I missing something that would make all of this make sense to me? 

Grumble, grumble.

Addendum 11/5/10: I think creativity is cool, and I realize this tone is a little harsh.  I am pro-creativity.  I just think stuff is taking over the world and the internet and our thoughts and our hearts and our time, at the expense of more important and more substantive things.  And my rage is directed less toward actual designers and more toward those who spend a lot of time and energy on hypothetical redecorating or other stuff that bugs me.

what's WITH that!?

What's with...

1. the baby on the box o Costco baby wipes? It's an otherwise cute baby with a creepy cabdriver toupee. Gross. You know I'm right.
2. the recent spike in African-investment spam I've been getting? "May I humbly introduce myself to your good self? I recognized associating with you will derive a huge success there, ten percentage."
   
3. people thinking Seriously, so blessed! is written by a guy. Seriously?? Come on!
4. harems in hip-hop videos? Just watched part of a documentary on that and it rocked, er, hip-hopped me. Skanktastic. One more reason hub, baby and I refuse to turn thug.
5. there not being a Tar-jay closer to my home??
6. our baby's huge, toothless grin. Call me a cheese all you want but it's the CUTEST EVER.
7. people hating Wall-E? No joke, I read a blog post recently in which someone claimed it was "the most offensive movie" they'd ever seen. Helluva statement to make about a ROBOT CARTOON, eh?? A little defensive about your trash?? And while I'm raging about that, what's with people acting like taking care of our planet is a bad thing? Ever heard of tending the earth? Politics or no politics, LOGIC tells me that smog is bad.
8. Chipotle not having a frequent stampy card?

Your turn.

Only allowed for accountants and engineers. I should know because I'm an English-ist Political Scientist

What does a bachelor's degree qualify you to say about yourself? Not a lot, right? I mean, good job, pat on the back, you learned a lot, snap a photo, here's the diploma, we salute you, but you don't get to introduce yourself as "Gurrbonzo, B.A." right? RIGHT. Yesterday I started class (and spent a lot of it worrying that our cute baby was flipping out, but apparently she handles 2 hours away from me better than I handle 2 hours away from her) and despite the size of the class, everyone introduced themselves. Not surprisingly, there were many former political science majors in the room (because the only thing that qualifies you to do is go to more school). Moments later, we start discussing interpretations of the Constitution, and some kid behind me raises his hand and proclaims, "Well, as a political scientist, I approach this in the following way..."

HOLD EVERYTHING. Did you get a Ph.D. and neglect to mention it? Do you work for a think tank?? Do you measure election results in test tubes?? If a bachelor's degree means this fellow gets to call himself a political scientist, WATCH OUT WORLD. Turns out my college buddies just got a lot more impressive: "My friend the economist..." or "My friend the organizational communicator..." or "My friend the art historian..." or "My friend the biologist" or "My friend the international relations theorist..." Who cares if they're secretaries and/or working for the man? We sound awesome.

URGENT QUESTION

How do you feel about people brushing their teeth in public restrooms?

How do you feel about people making loud, back-of-throat spitty noises as they spit out their toothpaste in public restrooms?

How do you feel about people leaning down to drink directly out of the faucet in a public restroom?

Today I've seen three people brushing their teeth in various law school restrooms and I'm curious about others' feelings on the issue. Share.

Pants on Fire

What do you call it when someone says something that's not true?

a LIE.

What does the law call it when someone says something that's not true?

a FALSE STATEMENT OF FACT.

I'd like to gripe about that for a moment.

Fact (noun): something that actually exists; reality; truth. something known to be true.

False: (adjective): not true; erroneous.

Hrmm. So, "false statement" and "false statement of fact" mean the same thing, right? OR HOW ABOUT A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED LIE. JUST CALL IT A LIE. Unless you think the following rhyme will catch on.

False stater of fact! False stater of fact!

Pants hijacked!

Hanging on something abstract!

Not so catchy is it! I have law school rage.

uh oh.

Readers, this rating is apparently because my blog says "kill" 7 times, "hurt" twice and "dangerous" once. It makes me sound violent, but really I am full of love. It's good, except for...Doesn't it understand that I only used kill because it was accidentally used instead of keel??

Maybe it doesn't matter.

Sigh. My excuses mean nothing. People like me are the reason for posters like this:

Reading Rainbow was right....we CAN do anything!

Today at my new job (and when I say job I mean place I hang out for free), I learned that when the government decides if someone's disabled, as in, disabled enough to receive Social Security, they take a look at whether they can do any of the following "unskilled sedentary occupations." THIS IS NOT A JOKE. A few of my faves:

• telegraph-service rater (Just like gymnastics...I liked that telegraph, but the landing was rough. 8.5!)
  
• weave-defect-charting clerk (Mayday! Mayday! Crappy hairdresser alert!)
  
• cutter-and-paster, press clippings (psst...ever heard of CTRL-C and CTRL-V? It's 2007)


• scoreboard operator
  
• nut sorter (this one looks like an uber-maniac...take him away! This one....hrmmm...medium psycho...)
  
• cigarette-making-machine catcher (I don't know if it's catching the cigarettes or the machines, but either way, I like it)
• egg processor (i thought those were called chickens.)
  
• napper tender (code for baby-sitter?)


• plastic design applier (The old ladies who put clingy hearts on their windows on Valentine's Day can get PAID for that?)


• polisher of eyeglass frames (grandparents all over America could be making millions!)
  
• lens inserter (wtf)


• dipper of clock and watch hands (like Dairy Queen? With sprinkles?)
  
• golf ball trimmer (WTF!)


• finisher (OF WHAT? I finish a fountain drink each day...turns out that's a job)


• buckle wire inserter
  
• button reclaimer (Aha! Stand back! That's mine!)
  
• sticker
  
• puller through (Good news, perseverant Americans! Hang in there, and you'll get paid somehow).

Just take a minute to imagine any of those on a business card. Visit http://www.ssas.com/ and click on 137 Unskilled Sedentary Occupations near the bottom for more info....

Turns out, if law school doesn't work out, I'll always have options.

Pseudo-homonym Ho-down

Sometimes, people write things like "I might kill over." Then, you spend a few minutes thinking about things that could mean...
They might kill over someone breaking into their home? They might kill over an affair (and try to use the heat of passion defense)? They might kill over someone borrowing their shoes with no permission? You find it bizarre and a little creepy. Then, after a few minutes, you realize they mean "keel," not kill, and feel a little better. A lesson to prevent this in the future:

to keel over is to fall as in faint, or to capsize or turn over.

to kill is to cause death or commit murder.

They sound similar, and in a world where people sometimes write "Lake Pal" instead of Lake Powell, I can understand the mix up. So, fainting okay, killing not.

Grammar Rage Support Group

Hate homonym mix ups? Find yourself giggling over plural words accidentally written as possessive? (Personal favorites include "Your cute," which begs the question, "MY cute? I don't HAVE a cute.") Ever wonder if you're the only person who knows how to fill this sentence in correctly?

"Those two? Oh, ____ parking ___ car over ____."

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Yes, I'll admit, I've been known to accidentally write "to" when I mean "too," or pausing to think about "effect" and "affect," and frankly, I can rarely keep reign and rein straight...and I overuse/misuse ellipses all the time (...) yet here I am, full of rage. Remember: your own word habits don't have to be perfect in order for you to complain about other people!

How about "it's" v. "its." Come on, America! The apostrophe means a contraction. I know that's hard to grasp since we write things like "Gurrbonzo's" and it's possessive, but STILL. And seriously, how about "supposably." What IS that? Supposedly's obnoxious, hairy cousin?

I am not making this up.

Dear Itunes Music Store,

I appreciate you, and you've brought a lot into my life, especially when I got home from my mission and worked out with a CD player and felt like Austin Powers and had good friends explain to me the wonder of Tunes Inside Computers That Can Magically Transfer To A Little Computer Smaller Than My Hand And Remain In Both Places Forever. You and I, we have a long history, and it's my love for you that leads me to such confusion right now. How could you do this to me? I just want to know WHY.

I know the list is for me because it says "Just For You" at the top and has ten song suggestions for me. What I'm wanting to know right now is why the freak this is how the list begins:

1. MMMBop
2. Gettin' Jiggy Wit It

WHY??

rain, etc.

Why is it that the day I decide to leave my car windows open a little is the day we have an enormous rainstorm? And why is this happens on the same day we read a case in contracts about a couple who tries to buy a new camper but "the windows had been left open so that the dining area cushions were soaking wet"?? And why is it that I have to sit in a big puddle and then walk around with a pee-your-pants-looking bum?

We love you 1991

Close your eyes and go back to fourth grade with me. You know, spandex shorts, hypercolor shirts, long division and Family Matters. New Kids on the Block and writing in cursive are totally old news and Achey Breaky Heart is new news. You there? Now imagine your fourth grade self: you enjoy reading the occasional chapter book and Kriss Kross is making you jump, jump. You can probably name a few state capitals, maybe you did a report on clouds or whales. Imagine your fourth grade self sitting down to take a calculus exam. Impossible! Sure, you had your multiplication tables down pat, but one glance at an advanced study guide and you'd be saying "Mom, why are there letters in math? What do these shapes mean? Is this a funny joke?"

That is my life right now. I hate you, Civil procedure, bc you are the calculus exam and I am the 24 year old fourth grader. Is it in English? How do I know what the difference is between Sections 1441 and 1332? Is "failure to state a claim upon which relief can be granted" the same thing as "nice try"???

Where am I??