Thursday, November 29, 2007

My life is a Seinfeld episode

I have the great honor of taking the express bus to school. Usually, it's pretty great. I drive 20 minutes, park, climb aboard, and after an hour of study and/or naptime, I arrive at my destination. Not a bad deal, and a hell of a lot better than 90 miles on my car every day, oodles of gas money, no study time, and contributing to the smoggy haze. So, minus a few bad experiences, public transportation and I are pretty good friends. The last express bus to leave the school is at 5:45, and if I miss that, I'm toast.

Yesterday, at 6 PM, I was still waiting at the busstop, shivering my butt off as the express bus was late. Nose loses feeling and hands turn purple as I continue standing there at 6:20. Someone calls the bus people only to find out that the express bus got in an accident; they're sending a replacement but have NO IDEA WHEN IT WILL GET THERE and recommend we take an alternate route. Well, poop all over my face. The "alternate route" is 15 minutes across campus (note that I make it a point to never leave the law school, so campus is unknown territory), and takes TWICE AS LONG as the express bus as it stops at every 2 feet along state street, and leaves at 6:30. So, it's 30 degrees and I have 7-8 minutes to make a 15 minute trek while carrying all my damn books, just to take 2 effing hours to get to my car, which is still an additional 20 minutes from home. And I'm hungry.

Can you feel my delight?

At this moment of despair, three Schmelzes (that means uber-frumps) begin--and I am not making this up-- singing songs. From Hairspray. At the top of their lungs. Where the hell am I??

So, I start booking it across campus only to realize that Team Schmelz is going there too. Singing the whole way. Don't worry. Lucky for me, they have RECORDED THEMSELVES SINGING ON ONE OF THEIR CELL PHONES, AND BEGIN PLAYING IT BACK. So, I get to listen to double Good Morning Baltimore, offkey and Schmeltified. Poop all over my face.

After a few minutes of speed walking and switching my shoulder bag a couple of times, I (and the handful of people walking with me) realize we are not going to make it unless we run.

Note: I don't run anyway, but when IT IS 30 DEGREES and I am pregnant and therefore get out of breath walking up stairs, let alone running across campus, and I HAVE A COLD, and am basically CARRYING 3 VOLUMES OF ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITTANICA, this could get ugly. So I run for a few minutes and quickly realize this is not going to work, so begin walking. Only to realize that I cannot breathe, and in addition to that fact, I have fallen behind the damn group walking to the other stop, and I am totally unfamiliar with campus and DON'T KNOW WHERE THE STOP IS. Poop all over my face.

I turn the corner and see the bus pull up, so run there as fast as I can, and climb aboard dripping sweat, red face from cold and despair, coughing nastily and COMPLETELY out of breath, not just gasping but hardcore seizure-esque wheezing. Everyone stares at me like "Why can't the lady with ten thousand law books run like a human being instead of a special-needs turtle?" and I want to explain that I am sick and 5 months pregnant and NOT in a mood to be messed with, but am so out of breath that all I can do is peel off my coat and think about how I'm not getting to my car for 2 more hours.

But at least I caught the bus. Our bus turns onto a major street and guess what's right in front of us?

That's right. The express bus.


nat said...

HAHA! I love your life.

Jay and Jessica's Ashram said...
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Jay and Jessica's Ashram said...
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Jay and Jessica's Ashram said...

Was my cousin part of that ensamble singing Hairspray show tunes?

Jay and Jessica's Ashram said...

Was my cousin part of that ensamble singing Hairspray show tunes?

supalinds said...

That is the funniest story...evah.

erin g said...

i feel for you gurr.

my story isn't half as terrible, but yesterday at work i did get stuck in an elevator for 45 minutes ... with no fewer than eleven IRS agents. and i thought to myself, while standing shoulder-to-shoulder and chest-to-back with all of my elevator friends and breathing the recycled, old-lady perfume filled air and trying not to hyperventilate, "i am so glad i am not pregnant."

Megs said...

oh, UTA rage. I'm so sorry.

Daveo said...

I love you. I just don't know what else to say. But I definitely wish I could refer to what I would consider an experience from hell, as an opportunity to bust someone else's gut laughing. I know that sentence has English problems, but you get what I mean. And since my car stereo never works, maybe you could use your cell phone to record the BYU improv musicals and send them to me. Make my commutes better.

zacharoo said...

Would that make you Elaine, Jerry, or Kramer? Please be George. I would love to see you bald and pregnant.

Mrs. Clark said...

Hi! I have to say, I love your blog. You are a very gifted writer.

I am the other half of the Utah Baby Namer--the one who actually came up with the idea, and is totally computer-illiterate so I need my husband to run the website. Thanks for giving us a plug!

I love your stories about law school. I am a BYU grad (though I am old enough to be your mom!) Loved the story about the frumps singing stuff from Hairspray. Very BYU!

Cari Clark