Talk him out of chumpatizing himself

DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE CONTEST! Friday is the last day. I believe in you and know how bad you want the detailed life-plan.

This afternoon I crashed big-time. After one too many 15 hour days back-to-back, my ever-growing body (and hot new cankles) gave out on me and I crawled into bed at 2 PM. Best four hour nap of my life. The moral of the story is that when your body needs to have a little meltdown, you should embrace it. And then post-meltdown you should go to Chipotle with your favorite person, and then watch King of Kong, the best movie of our generation. You should forget about the boring things you're writing papers about and the boring things you have to read for your boring law school, and you should just eat and learn a little more about the professional video gaming community. Try it.

In other news, this headline today cracked me up. "Bennett to Huckabee: End Campaign, Unite Behind McCain." How about, "Huckabee to Bennett: Who the Hell Are You?"

But the best news item I've seen lately is this opinion column, which hits strangely close to home. The paragraph that most matches my personal feelings:

Maybe my standards are too high, but if you like any of the hundreds upon hundreds of things that are too multifaceted for my attention span, you should have your head examined, weirdo. And don't even get me started on complex and sophisticated notions I can't possibly wrap my head around. That stuff makes me want to puke.

CONTEST TIME!

Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls! Friends and lurkers! The rumors are true!

It's time for GEC. Pronounced like the GECK in gecko, but said with the vigor of "Blech" as in "Blech, that tastes like a dead bird that ate rotten tuna." GEC stands for Gurrbonzo Extravaganza Contest, which is appropriate, because it involves my blog, a contest, and a true extravaganza.

RULES: enter by simply sharing an experience involving your every day life and this blog.

It can be as simple as "I threw up in my mouth when I saw that horrible picture of blackened, grotesque feet and thought of poor Gurrbonzo sitting next to that monster; I scrubbed my feet extra hard that night," or "I kind of wanted to be an egg processor when I read Gurrbonzo's list of jobs you can have, but then I realized I was in too much debt to do anything but become a corporate bastard," or "I feel close to Gurrbonzo since I, too, laugh at farts and poop in general!"

The sky is the limit and if you believe you can achieve. Note: falsehoods welcome.

The winning reader will receive the following rockin' prize package (with me paying postage anywhere in the U.S.! Gotta love those flat-rate boxes):

(UPDATED): Word has reached me that March is a dumb time to get a crocheted hat. So, instead of a hat, you get a rockin' mix cd (or tape, if you're living in the 80s, but this IS on the internets, so I doubt it) of Bonz's lame hits, that is, songs we're all embarrassed to love, and one cd of Bonz's favorite workout tunes. Jackpot!

1 package of Cadbury mini eggs (best easter treat in all the land)

1 t-shirt that says "When in doubt, shimmy it out."

1 free, detailed life plan (see this site for more detail) AND

1 opportunity to suggest a name for our child.

We do not have to know each other in real life to win! You can post entries either as comments or you can email them to the main portion of my blog (you know, the part before .blogspot.com) at yahoo. One I like best will win. Unless I like them all the best, in which case I will conduct a drawing at random, or ask my new friend from the library to choose for me.

DEADLINE: THIS FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 29th, 5 PM EASTERN TIME.

WINNER ANNOUNCED SATURDAY, MARCH 1st. This is your now!

Pregnancy and the Public Library

The following interaction took place in the last 5 minutes:

I walk inside the public library and up the stairs, huffing and puffing a little but not too bad, proud of myself for coming here to try to be productive on this cloudy, otherwise depressing day. Overly friendly, nice, somewhat homeless-looking man grunts and says, "Excuse me, Miss, can I ask you a question?" I say, "Sure," and smile, because he is smiling, and I am friendly, and we are indoors with lots of other people around so I figure I can entertain a little downtown crazy for a few minutes without anything creepy happening. After all, randoms have provided all kinds of fun in my life.
He proceeds to nudge the disgruntled, angry-looking, missing-her-two-front-teeth woman next to him and whispers to her, "Ask her how far along she is!"
Grumpy lady shakes her head in refusal.
"ASK HER! ASK HER!" he loudly whispers, pointing at my belly. People are starting to look. I laugh and rub my belly and say something like "About 6 more weeks, give or take. Just about there!"
He gasps dramatically and shouts (yes, in the library) "OH, BUT YOU'RE SO SMALL! LOOK! Wow! Look! YOU'RE NOT EVEN LARGE! You must not have dropped yet."

What does that even mean?

I laugh politely and say, "Well, words like 'so small' are always welcome. You've clearly learned how to talk to pregnant women." Disgruntled woman: "He sure as hell better learn, bc I'm pregnant too. I have about 32 more weeks to go."

Awkward pause. I offer some polite congratulations while she glares at him, and then I begin to walk away.

Scary fellow to me: "Can I ask you one more favor?"
Me, laughing: "No, I will not name my child after you. I don't even know you."
Scary fellow: "No, no, no, I just want a profile shot. Will you turn to the side for me?"

Hrmm. This is awkward. What would you do in this situation?

Now with the blogs, you can share your thoughts with up to 10 people, using the Online Blogopolis.

I'm looking at getting into this, considering I'll have some free time this summer as I hang out with da baby. Sounds lucrative.

Barack Obama held your hand when you were frightened.

I know this has been floating around for a while, but it is cracking me up and making me want some cookies and a robot and an origami crane. Just keep hitting refresh and you'll find all sorts of information.

UPDATE: She drank from my glass??? And eating all my conversation hearts?? Grrr...

T minus 7 weeks

My pregnancy travels are done! Husband and I hit up the great state of Arizona this weekend for a law conference and shoot, I want to embrace in a slightly awkward, bit too tight and enthusiastic way whoever planned it because: whoa. I had the great privilege of seeing my girl crush (hell, every she-lawyer's girl crush) Sandra Day O'Connor in the flesh. And despite her schoolmarm voice, I loved every minute of her presentation, and we also got to see a number of other girl crushes I have, who will remain nameless so no one googling them will discover the fascination I have with them, but let's just say they're a big deal and I heart them. We also got to meet a bunch of people who knew husband and/or husband's fam (surprise, surprise) and visit one of my favorite pairs of senior citizens from the mish. Plus I got 48+ hours of straight up quality time with husband which was an outstanding treat. Basically, two thumbs up, and that's even including staying in a medium-gross hotel and waddling around while everyone thought husband was the lawyer and I was the preg sidekick. Ha!

In other news, will you guide me? Do you ever keep doing things that are hard for you just because part of you worries that if you don't, you'll become a shut-in who knits sockettes for her pets while doing large-print wordsearches on a crooked, rusty TV tray, grumbling about the price of prescription drugs while wearing only an oversized sheet with greasy mustard stains on it? That's me and Relief Society right now. I'm convinced if I keep trying I'll eventually stop dreading it and start going bc I like it. I've been gone for a couple weeks, but apparently there is a "recipe exchange" this week at some lady's house, where you bring something you made and 20 copies of the recipe, blahblahblah. Problem: I don't make anything and I hate that sort of thing. But, I don't want to become creepy shut-in and keep thinking if I pull it together, one day I will stop wishing I hadn't gone and start thinking hey, I'm getting the hang of this. Good grief, I am 25 years old and going to have a kid, does that mean it's time to make mom friends? So, do I go, just make some PBJs and act natural? Do I buy something, pretend I made it, go and make polite conversation and risk coming home & pounding my head into the wall? Do I grow a pair, quit complaining and just drop out? Do I stay home and finish season 2 of Lost?? Should I finish up that damn wordsearch and call it good? Help.

letter from a concerned citizen

Dear John McCain,

I respect your willingness to fight a losing battle, since Obama will be our next president and you must realize that the next 9 months won't be very fun for you, getting squished like a bug and everything. It's noble of you to persevere uphill against all the odds. But I'm having a hard time taking you seriously with the 3-4 distinct rivers running through your neck. What's the story? Gastrobybass surgery? A treasure map? Were you attacked by a fork?

Sincerely,
Gurrbonzo.

What the hell.

I forgot to mention that these signs are everywhere around Virginia Beach.

Totally makes me want to drop the f-bomb.

Southern Karma

So I was in Virginia this weekend for a moot court competition, or, glorified debate tournament, in the world's fanciest law school facilities. We're talking multiple fancy courtrooms that I'd describe if I could possibly do them justice. A few brief highlights:

• The evangelical school that hosted it had an enormous portrait of Pat Robertson....hanging between the Constitution and the Magna Carta.

• Everyone was from the south and therefore sounded charming. One judge said, in a slow motion southern, Gone With the Wind, uber-jowly way that put me to sleep, "If yew thank yer goin' too slow, yer prolly just 'bout right."
  
• We had the great privilege of eating at Shoneys and partaking of a buffet that included fried chicken, pineapple, french toast, chocolate pudding, and mac and cheese. If you're wondering if I ate all those things, the answer is yes.
• Virginia Beach is (allegedly) the longest public beach in the country. Walking on the boardwalk in the 70 degree sunshine in February when it feels like you haven't seen the sun in years is THE WAY TO GO.
• While educational and fun to argue, I'm fine with not talking about strict scrutiny, protective sweeps, whether the 2nd Amendment guarantees a collective or individual right, and/or the exclusionary rule EVER AGAIN. I got this relaxation CD from our "childbirth" class and printed on the front is the following: "This CD is protected by federal and Karmic law." Karmic law?? Why can't I take a class in THAT?
  

Life lessons

A few things I've learned this week:

1. You know how they say never go shopping when you're hungry? Well, the same goes for when you're thirsty. If you go grocery shopping when you're thirsty, you may come home with bottled water galore, Powerade, 2 bottles of Sprite, multiple boxes of Crystal Light and significantly more milk than is necessary for a family of two, and your spouse will laugh at you.
2. No matter how busy you are, you need to make time for little things, like peeing. Sorry if that's gross, but yesterday I was so busy between noon and 8 pm that I did not have time to pee. This would be unpleasant in general, but is particularly unpleasant when a) 7 months pregnant and b) you were already thirsty so bought an absurd number of liquids (see #1). So, law school or no law school, commitments or no commitments, take the time.
3. When you have to leave a class early, it is best not to sit right in the middle, as you will have to climb over people, the prof will stop the lecture and stare at you, and you have no chance to act natural. This is especially true when there are only four other people in the class.
4. When cashiers tell you, "Hey mom, take good care of baby!" and point at your belly, you should not respond with, "Don't tell me what to do."